Why do people dislike people-pleasers?

  1. People-pleasing goes hand in hand with poor boundaries and co-dependency. You have to do some inner work to develop your own identity, your own set of values, separate from your family and friends.

  2. Yes, and getting taken advantage of. I wonder how op didn't mention any huge trauma and bitterness related to his people-pleasery-ness, because thats the issue for me.

  3. I agree.. you are the main character in your life/game... Right now, you are acting like an NPC. You are just standing there, saying a pre programmed response to the players passing by. Begin to create your character, and explore the game. You are not ment to be a NPC in your life....

  4. Yeah! It takes a lot of effort to change your deep fundamental beliefs so as to stop being a people-pleaser which is more of a symptom of having low self-esteem.

  5. "people pleasers" as you describe it can be SO EXHAUSTING. literally just a passenger and not contributing anything other than compliance/presence.

  6. This is it. If I want someone who likes everything I like and agrees with everything I do and say it’s much less exhausting to just spend time with myself. I look to my friends to have fun and do hobbies with, to explore and discuss ideas with, and to teach me and show me things I don’t know (I’ll happily reciprocate).

  7. Yup. I can be a bit of a people pleaser and have to work not to be. It can be fine in superficial relationships but is a massive barrier to actually forming genuine connections with people. Unless they're insecure narcissists people don't want a yes man for a friend. They want give and take, to know your genuine opinions even if they're not positive. People also often like to be able to help their friends rather than everything being one way.

  8. I got exhausted just reading this post. I always liked to stay away from people pleasers, it's a huge responsibility to be careful what you say around them so they don't do something stupid just to please you. It's really not fun when something like that happens.

  9. This. The person saying to the OP “don’t support everything I say, have your own opinions! Be yourself man!” sounds like a good person.

  10. oooo me me me!! This was the topic of the discussion at a 12 step meeting I went to today and I got some pretty groundbreaking advice from my perspective.

  11. That’s really interesting!! Thanks for writing it out. Can you explain a little more about the manipulating people part? What do you do? What are your tactics? What works and what doesn’t?

  12. People want to be friends with other people, not dogs. If folks wanted a dog they would just get one. People pleasing is annoying because the person doing the pleasing is fake, shaping themselves to the will of others instead of having a backbone and standing on their own two feet as an individual. Kids may enjoy people pleasers because they get what they want, but mature adults generally tend to be annoyed by the behavior.

  13. Yeah, and most people pleasers are pushovers. They have to come to terms that they can't make everyone happy, and no matter how much they try someone isn't going to like them. It also opens up the door for them to be taken advantage of. That just sounds very tiresome to me.

  14. lol my dog has such an agenda. while he's stoked to do stuff with me, he also definitely mentions when it's very important to tromp around in the creek

  15. Tbh, OP sounds like way more of people pleaser than my dog. I mean, my dog is one of those stubborn little terriers, but still.

  16. How do you know you're an equal to them? All my life I have either been significantly good at something or be shy about being that way or else I would be seen as the outsider.

  17. This is interesting. What I don't undersand is WHY don't people want those "human dogs". The way I see it, having many "fans", even if they're fake, must be amazing for the person. So much validation! And they could do anything with them.

  18. OP you’re simply realising that deep and meaningful relationships with well adjusted psychologically healthy individuals does not have pathological people pleasing in the equation.

  19. Exactly. What people respect is somebody who genuinely connects with them but does so in a self confident way. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells to please somebody,

  20. When someone is a people pleasers they’re not genuine. And if they are, they’re dependent on pleasing others for happiness. So, codependent in a way, but one sided. That’s not a fun thing to be around long term.

  21. People often prefer a relationship among equals. If you're a people pleaser (exclusively) then you're not an equal.

  22. Yeah, what I've found is that those who want fans, don't actually see their fans as actual people. They're just a source of narcisstic supply for them. And you have to act in a way they like, which is slowly becoming annoying for me.

  23. Another thing about people pleasers is I always have to question if I'm stepping on their boundaries. Since they won't speak up and tell me 'No' I won't realize they're not okay with something. I have to always ask 'are you cool with this? It's okay if you're not you can tell me' and walk on eggshells because I can never tell if they're saying yes because they really mean it, or because they're they're trying to please me and think they have to. Eventually it erupts where they're annoyed with me and I had no idea why because they never spoke up and told me, then I feel bad for trampling over them, and I would have stopped if only I knew it was an issue.

  24. Thank you. It's so weird to realise there are people out there that care about us people-pleasers, and don't want to hurt others. Most people in my life have taken advantage of my agreeability.

  25. Another thing is since they do not say their boundaries, they won't recognize our boundaries either. When we speak our boundaries to them, they think we betrayed them, like they were givers and we were takers.

  26. The problem is a people pleaser doesn’t genuinely connect with people. In fact they don’t really care about other people. They instead focus on receiving their attention, approval, validation, or reassurance from people and will do whatever it takes to get it. They will fake being nice and kind. But the truth is people can instinctively recognize when you are being genuine and when you aren’t. Also, being genuinely kind, while great, does not make people your friend by itself. Eventually, you will have to reveal your personality and connect with people. Being somebody’s friend requires much more than kindness.

  27. You are doing it on purpose though. You literally explained how and why you do it. Then insulted some good people who called you out on a bad behavior that needs to be corrected. You do what makes you happy and what you like. You don’t let anyone stop you from being yourself. I can’t explain to you have boring and annoying someone like what you’re describing is. For a P.O.S. you are a wet dream. They will use you until the day you expire. They have no care for you, their only focus is using you to satisfying themselves. Be it for money, sex, a maid, or just as a punching bag to blow off some steam.

  28. True. Resentment builds when the people they please don’t give attention, validation, approval, and/or reassurance in return.

  29. People grow out of liking people-pleasers. When you're younger it's cool to feel like you have an admirer, or a "dog" even, but with time this dynamic grows boring. Older people know this, so we skip directly to the actually fun stuff, which involves fighting about which beer is better, instead of instantly agreeing about it. In a long-time friend group, everyone probably already knew you were this way and went along with it, some might had disliked it, and probably at least one liked it. But no matter that, all of them surely hoped you'd grow out of it and you'd "become" a normal person. If you really don't think you can "grow out of it", it might be time to find new friends, as sad as that it. Adults who like pleasers are rare, and a lot of them like them for the wrong reasons and will maliciously use you, be careful!

  30. You do make a fair argument tho. I thought for a while and as a people pleaser myself, I guess it's because we have this natural tendency to notice things, shifts within less than a second.

  31. Because it's inauthentic, fake and shows how weak a person is. Have your own beliefs and behaviors.

  32. True. They are boring and ingenuine. They think being pleasing somebody by itself results in a deeper connection in that person, when in fact it doesn’t. Kindness with ulterior motives is not genuine kindness. People know when the kindness they are receiving is fake. Even then, genuine kindness by itself does not result in a deeper connection. People value those who are self confident to express themselves and connect with them without caring about the outcome.

  33. How old are you? Your story is giving me negative vibes.. First of all, that your parents brought you up like this and secondly you doing this apparently without restraint and thinking it’s a good thing.. You say “I’m able to completely shift my behavior, my interest, my whole identity…” What are you, an empty shell that mirrors everyone who’s in front of you? So for example you can love your hobbies and hate them at the same time? I’m curious to know, what you’ll do if two of your friends had an argument? Who will you agree with then? Tbh I think you should see a therapist (if not already), it sounds like your upbringing has probably given you some trauma.. tho I’m no specialist or anything.. Care a bit more about yourself and your own genuine feelings..

  34. Most good people I know want friends as EQUALS, not some group of fanboys. It feels a bit creepy and like being followed around by a bootlicker when you've got people like that

  35. Right. Most people want somebody who is self confident and doesn’t view himself/herself as inferior or unworthy around others and also doesn’t act in such a way.

  36. I feel that people pleasing people are very poor friends. My best friends tell me when I'm wrong, they challenge my views and push new perspectives on me.

  37. People-pleasers get a bad rep because it’s not their actual identity or personality. They’re easy to step on and you’ll be a gossip even though you’re not exactly doing anything wrong.

  38. This is a good point. Sometimes I’m pretty quiet and reserved around people I don’t know. I figured that was pretty neutral but apparently it can make people nervous as they can’t read me and since they don’t know, assume I’m a snob or whatever. I was actually surprised to find out people would rather know what I’m about, even if only to feel less anxious about it.

  39. I forget where I heard this but there’s this quote “if you are nice to everyone then you are nice to no one” it’s kind of hard to understand and explain at first but basically like, you’re not genuine. If people don’t have to do anything to earn your respect then it’s exactly that, unearned respect, and it loses its value. Someone would feel more respected if you were giving them genuine and honest support, not just the default that everybody gets. If that makes sense.

  40. If you meet someone new and they are super nice to you that feels great. But then when you see them interact with other people and they are just as nice or even nicer, it feels almost like they tricked you.

  41. I felt so uncomfortable reading this. It was like hearing a masochist telling how they like to be beat up. The only thing I can say is that I think you answered your own question, this behavior you described is pretty creepy

  42. I get where you're coming from, I really do since I used to be the same way but after two years of therapy it's become a lot more clear to me that I really do have a base identity, but it was deeply buried.

  43. People pleasers are fake, is why. What you describe is what people get from dogs. I don’t want constant validation out of relationships. I want equality, a meeting of the minds, mutual respect. On a professional level I can work with anybody but on a personal, there is no way I could be friends with someone like you because this behavior is creepy and strange coming from another adult. It’s sad.

  44. Wow, a people pleaser that actually has some positive experiences with that. I sometimes want to fucking smash my head against the wall, because I am always seeking validation somewhere.

  45. Hey OP there are so many comments so I don’t know if you are still reading these but I hope you do read this. I don’t think you should develop your own identity so others will like you better I think you should do it because you owe it to yourself to try and heal what has been broken or scarred. When you describe the things that have created this personality trait you speak of trauma and abuse and the answer is right there - you’ve developed a personality that squeezes itself into whatever shape someone else wants it to be because when you were young that is what you had to do literally to survive. I don’t think it is fair for anyone to hate this about you but I also think maybe part of you knows you have to grow past it and you’re fighting that part of you because it’s terrifying to think that I’d you find yourself and you assert “this is me” and people reject that they could be rejecting who you truly are. Maybe rejection feels less personal when you’re mirroring others. Don’t get me wrong it’s great fo be a cheerleader and to support your friends and the people you love… But do they do this for you? I personally think all healthy relationships need a certain amount of balance and it’s not like you keep j accounting of who does what but there has to be at least some give and take on both sides. I would totally get maybe not expressing certain opinions if you know someone is sensitive to a certain question but never feeling safe that you can disagree with a friend about a film or a song is no good - you should feel safe to develop and express those kinds of preferences and feel confident that your friends will still care for you even if you like a band they don’t care for or vice versa. Those are small things but it sounds like the trauma that birthed this way of existing was no small thing at all. In fact what you describe when you say you were choked for not agreeing that is abuse and it is damaging and awful.

  46. “I’m able to completely shift my behavior, my interests, my whole identity…. Just to be liked by people”. That’s so fake and for The only people that like you are also fake. People like you are so untrustworthy

  47. Just know that I'm not doing it on purpose, it's something I learned when I was a child (narcisstic parents, it was the best way to survive the bad enviroment). I would like to stop but it's really hard because it's so deeply ingrained in my personality.

  48. Personally, I'd like to be around people that are interesting and entertaining, people who have dreams and adventures they want to conquer so I can join in on the fun. I feel burdened by people that are fake and try to grovel at my feet for a crumb of validation. I don't want to be around someone with no desires or any actual character, someone who merely exists to be a servant. I also love inspiring people and helping them achieve their passions, so I feel bored if you don't have any of that I could fulfill. You're a great friend to people who are self obsessed but ultimately, your life is always gonna be taken advantaged of and I don't think that's for the best.

  49. I think people pleasing is creepy, when I feel it being done to me it's like the person is trying to second guess me and it feels like a huge invasion of privacy and a huge turn off. Plus the conversation falls flat, I can only have conversations with people different to me otherwise I might as well talk to a mirror.

  50. It’s mostly a trust issue. I can’t trust you because you sway with the wind. You have no opinion or identity of your own, which is what helps me to know that you are grounded and therefore trustworthy. I know I am not perfect so rely on my closest friends good judgment to tell me if something is wrong, a people-pleaser is unable to do this.

  51. My ex was a people-pleasing “nice guy.” At first it was nice. He wanted to do everything to make me happy. Then as years went on, I could never figure out what he wanted. “As long as you’re happy” he’d say. Well after 6 years of not having that deeper connection with him and him just telling me everything I wanted to hear in the moment, I realized I didn’t know who the hell he really was. He didn’t have the skill, as a 47 year old man, to articulate his wants and needs. Yet he NEEDED validation desperately. And this, this is why nice guys cheat. Yeah, he cheated, a lot. Mostly emotional stuff but at least one physical. I see people pleasers as extremely emotionally stunted and incapable or normal, healthy adult communication. The emotional labor was exhausting. Never again.

  52. Short answer, I don't have friends so they can echo my opinions I have friends so I can get to know them. If everything about you is a reflection of me there are a lot of issues with that. ( I'll see stuff I don't like about me, I don't learn anything new from you, I feel like I can never get to know you because you're constantly changing, etc)

  53. People pleasing, at its root, is a form of manipulation, and control. You want them to like you, but you're only showing them things that you know they like. They don't actually know who you are. And that puts them at a disadvantage- because you do know who they are.

  54. I have a friend who is a people pleaser and it’s part of why we aren’t closer. It feels like she’s always bending over back to do nice things for me and other people, and I also know her parents are super controlling so that’s almost certainly where she gets it. It makes me feel like she thinks she has to do me favors to earn my friendship and that actually makes me really sad.

  55. op tbh i recommend talking about this with a therapist instead bc besides the fact that this is a trauma response, its also very dangerous for yourself esp since im assuming you're no longer under your parents' thumb (at least as much as before) and also ngl the way you're wording this is kinda eerie.

  56. I was raised to believe this is how you should treat women. Pamper them and please them no matter what. The lady is always right. It's now come to my attention, that this turns a lot of people off.

  57. Because you don’t exist. You’re only as real and tangible as one of characters in your movie series. There is nothing past the mask.

  58. the “people pleaser” to enabler pipeline is very common. people pleasers rarely ever set boundaries or put their foot down, they can easily become doormats for bad people to use and walk all over because they won’t tell them when they’re doing something bad or wrong.

  59. As someone that didnt grew up the way that is considered normal to most people i can relate in the fact that there are many things on how the social relations work that arent even familiar on the things i know and therefore are really hard for me to understand or things i cant do because no one ever teached me.

  60. OP, you are definitely providing value to people by validating them. Validation is one of the most amazing and reassuring feelings and despite all the negative criticism, I believe you that you may have the greatest intentions in wanting to provide that for others. So with that said I won’t address the perception of being “fake” even though yes, you’re definitely exposing yourself to being labeled as such even if not necessarily true.

  61. I was a people pleaser at once, I was surprised you was able to make friends because I didn't until I changed for my whole self respect, the thing is people pleaser has no boundaries and can come off as "fake" personality, in real world your friend need someone who can support and critic him at times, both of you cannot have same thinking and thoughts, when your friend finds out he always get support no matter what, he would either drop you out or use you until he no longer needs it

  62. Every relationship requires a bit of push pull, some tension to grow into. Too much self reliance/independence and ppl feel you’re too far off/cold, too much ppl pleasing and ppl think you’re a doormat, bringing nothing to the table.

  63. Validation feels good to a certain point but what I value from my friendships is different opinions and views, I want to be able to learn from my friends and it’s also nice if they take charge of situations sometimes instead of me having to decide and do the mental work every time. It gets boring to only hear my opinion get echoed since I don’t have such a strong need for validation like narcissists. I also value integrity and view people-pleasers actually as a danger of sorts. I feel like they would be nice if the situation is good but if I have a conflict with somebody else, they won’t take my side to not rock the boat or not to displease the other person even if I was wronged. I want friends who would also be able to protect me and not just disappear with the slightest inconvenience.

  64. You actually are your own unique person. Try spending time each day thinking about what YOU enjoyed that day, or are looking forward to, etc.

  65. This kind of people pleasing is essentially putting up walls and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable with the people you like and genuinely like you.

  66. That's a really unhealthly habit you have here but it's definitely because of trauma. It's dangerous to be a complete people pleaser because it can lead you in bad situations. If you constantly agree without even thinking about it, you can end up with narcissistic people (your mother display narcissistic behaviour to me) and in one sided relationships which would be really unhealthly for you. If your "friends" like you because you constantly validate what they say, there's something wrong with these relationship. It means they use you for their personal benefits, they are not your friends. Most people don't like people pleaser because it's boring after some time. Someone who always agrees with you is not interesting and seems superficial and predictable. Because people can definitely see after some point you are just saying things so they like you. I don't know how you form true friendships while being like this because people will never like you for who you are but the facade you're creating. It's like there's another person between you and the other person and you can't create a real bond. Identity is important. You live your life for yourself not for someone else.

  67. people pleasers often end up with a narcissists. this is a bad combination because you will be used and abused. At least you’re becoming aware of the pattern that’s the first step the second step is to find a good therapist a woman

  68. Because it’s disingenuous. If you only tell people what they want to hear, they won’t trust you to be honest.

  69. Sometimes people think people pleasers can be two-faced, or are disloyal. This is especially true of siblings. I agree about the self-esteem, but also people who have been around verbal or physical violence become that way, too.

  70. I get annoyed with people who agree with everything I have to say because I start to doubt that they’re actually telling the truth. I know they’re just going to look up whatever I’m talking about and act like they know all about it, sometimes even more than I do. It feels like lying to be liked, when in reality I appreciate when people disagree with me. It seems more genuine, makes me feel like an individual, and helps me grow and learn from other perspectives.

  71. Most of the time people pleasing is trauma response Cptsd it's called the fawn response You will need extensive therapy to overcome the childhood trauma caused by your family Usually u see this type of patern on children of emotionaly immature parents or victims of narcissistic mother

  72. People pleasers bring nothing to a relationship, unless that person has incredibly low self-esteem and needs to validation of a people pleaser. That's not a healthy relationship; you're a person, not an object. I want to be able to have a proper conversation, to have different views of things and be able to share it with the other person. I also want to know that my friends aren't bullshitting me in an attempt to make me happy. If a friend is a people pleaser and I show them something I'm working on, the response of "that's amazing, I love it!" isn't truly authentic.

  73. I, on the other hand, am a complete narcissistic. Love no one but myself. Idolize nobody. Take people’s success as a personal attack.

  74. The less I cared what everyone else thought of me, the more people liked me. My girlfriend is a severe people pleaser and she doesn't speak to enough people for it to get her any negative attention but she struggles to say no to anyone and she has no free time to do what she wants to do.

  75. "Know thyself" That is an extremely daunting task when you have been groomed to behave a certain way. You are worth so much more than to have to stay in survival mode long after the toxic upbringing. We all have areas we need to improve in, this one is going to be really difficult but not impossible to overcome!! It says a lot that some of the people you are surrounded by call you out for this. They must care for you and want your best, also. God created us all to be a unique light. There is no one else like you, and no one else can do things or think exactly like you do. Once you aren't wavering you will realize you have depth and the person you are is worthy, just like everybody else. So evil of your mother to choke you, you must have had to really press hard into this disfunction to stay safe. I am so sorry. I am praying for you💜💜💜 Jesus sees all you have gone through. Ask Jesus with a pure heart to show Himself to you. Once you know Him, you will have a constant friend in your life who always fights for you and protects you. So sorry you have had to live this way for so long!! 🔥🔥🔥🙏🏼💔🙏🏼💐

  76. Thank you so much, that was an amazing reply. It made me feel a lot better. It's a difficult journey but hopefully it will be worth it. All the best to you too!

  77. It might be the people pleaser in you but all of your responses and main post read like someone who took all of this out if a text book. It makes me feel like you are a psychology student doing research on people's thoughts on people pleasers. Could be way off base, just thought it read too like someone who perfectly understood his own circumstances and how he got there. The problem being if you have this level of insight it's odd you can't see the way out of it, or the problem with it.

  78. Do you know how lucky you are not to have a base identity? Your the person (space) that's watching these funny and often ridiculous dramas. It sounds like your afraid what your mind will do if you really let go. Your a shape shifter, we all are, let it shift. watch it crash, and get back up. Watch your mind and give it the freedom to think horrible thoughts, those will come. They come to me. and the worse the better. But their my thoughts, no one else's, you have no business what's going on in my mind nor me in yours.

  79. Authentic relationships are found in between 2 people, there's stuff you both like to do together and things you don't like so much; things you agree on and things you dont. The connection for some, probably a lot, of people comes from building up a familiarity to each others thoughts and preferences. The best relationships are with people who you've sort of figured out how to bring out the best in each other in some way, could be as little as sharing a laugh together, but something that makes you feel connected. Sometimes connections are built when youre at you're worst and need someone better than you. Also, it can feel like a debt is owed if one person is being too generous with some things, whether it's time or gifts or acquiescence.

  80. I've been sitting here reading this over and over, along with your replies to comments, trying to think of what to say that won't go in one ear and out the other. You're already in therapy, you're journaling, you've researched and understand why you are the way you are. That's definitely a start, and I'm proud of you for that. However, there's so much contradiction in these replies, I don't think anyone on reddit is equipped to help you. I looked at most of your past posts and they're relatively the same. Really the only advice I can give you is to probably log off reddit for a while, meet as many different people as you can, and continue your work outside of here.

  81. I guess it’s hard to like people you can’t respect and it’s hard to respect people pleasers cuz they’re so easy to take advantage of.

  82. I started to think this was a troll post... Anyway, don't you think it's boring if friends you're with don't do anything or don't give their opinions but just wait for you to do something? It's nice to hear others opinions, broaden your frame.

  83. In my opinion this behavior isn't health. You shouldn't spend so much time worrying about what people think about you or your behavior. Have your own opinion and do what you really want to do because life is short and you must enjoy it as much as you can... Don't spend your time with irrelevant opinions, dude.

  84. love, life isn't black and white. everything we do is partly for others and partly for ourselves. maybe try to think what movie wouldn't you watch even if it meant pleasing someone you like? you said you "choose" people to please? why do you choose them instead of others? surely you will find that there is a whole spectrum of things you like and dislike. and you don't have to have an opinion on everything. i understand you because i use to have the same problem. sometimes it feels that it doesn't matter who i am because as people we only mean anything if we are in a group. what does it matter how i express my identity through fashion if no one is there to see? we can't know who we are alone because we are not isolated. some one said to me "we are all just monkeys copying each other". just try to balance it all as much as possible and not be hard on yourself on the way :)

  85. People want you as a friend not a dog. If they find out that they were being friends with a fake-you then they will certainly distrust you. And the part where your mom chokes you for not liking what she likes: that is NOT RAISING YOU, that is ABUSING YOU, please seek therapy, what you’re doing is a defense mechanism. People-pleasing is an unhealthy behavior, you’re likely to experience low self-esteem, inability to make decisions on your own, and setting boundaries. Rather than people getting angry at you they should be worried.

  86. Because I value authenticity. Both in myself and others. If I go to a friend for advice, or perspective, I want their actual opinion. Maybe there's something I need to hear, that due to my own ego bias, I can't see for myself. Maybe a second opinion will show me where I am wrong, something I am missing. People pleasers who just tell you what they think you want to hear aren't helpful. Once I catch wind of what's going on, I lose my ability to trust them, because I never know if they really mean it or not.

  87. Well, I personally don’t want to be in a friendship where the other person is shifting their personality just be around me. I like people who are self assured and honest about who they are

  88. I have friend like you I wouldn't be shamed if I say i hate him when he does the same thing as you do , for example when we go out for hangout I asked him about my outfit and if look great

  89. Tried to offer OP advice elsewhere in the thread but I just looked through their post history and would recommend people stop engaging with this post. 99.99% sure OP is a troll seeking validation/is not really willing to take advice or change.

  90. I personally don’t like people pleasers for the following reasons: you’re most likely to sit idly by watching something you know is wrong happen in front of you. You’re less trust worthy because typically these are the people who will run around and tell everyone what everyone else says about them because you appear friends with everyone. Also, I don’t trust people pleasers because they seem manipulative. The fact that they try to control other people’s perceptions by just constantly blowing with the wind is comical.

  91. This is like reading the opinion of an alien about how it should respond to social interactions. And sounds disgusting.

  92. i like hearing how others receive what i do :) i grew up in a toxic environment and like when people call me out of getting too loud or getting worked up over small things. i also like holding conversation and hearing expansive views (yeah, and…) or opposing ones.

  93. You hate yourself. That's what it comes down to with why people don't like people pleasers. If you hate yourself, how can you possibly expect others to like you?

  94. In all honestly I find people pleasers annoying. When I talk to someone I want to learn about them and what they like. I want to learn about the similarities we share and discuss the things we don’t agree upon.

  95. Be yourself tbh. It's ok to be really nice to people and do things for them, but stick up for what you believe in, because you don't want to live with someone who you're opposed to just for attention, like, you may like the attention at first, but you'll realize over time that you can't stand this person, and if you leave then you really hurt that person because they thought you liked that part about them. Be nice actually nice, without doing it to get something out of others and be you

  96. Many people like being around others who they can easily tell when that person is happy, sad, confused, terrified, etc. It helps us feel connected to them.

  97. I find them to be disingenuous. It’s difficult to form a bond with someone when their opinions, values, and feelings are in a constant state of flux, depending on who they’re around. They’re kind of a waste of time to seek out for any kind of close relationship. I don’t want to put forth time and effort into someone who can’t be honest with me. It doesn’t feel good.

  98. In the same boat man. Only one best friend , really lonely. I don't know why but maybe it's a matter of trust. If there's nothing to "know" about the other person because of constant mirroring something may feel off. Even a people pleaser can please everyone

  99. Because you aren't setting boundaries when you act like a people pleaser. Some things are unacceptable and should bother you and you should bring it to the attention of your friends and they know this. Disagreements are a normal part of friendships. You need to have a backbone

  100. They don't have their own opinion. You can't grow with people like them. It's like hanging out with yourself or even worse. They don't add any value in you.

  101. A lot of people aren’t thinking for themselves lately, and others are just done dealing with them.

  102. I can totally understand you. I was like that in the beginning but people started to take advantage of it so I am just trying to change myself but sometimes I feel people abandon me if I start being myself. So it's hard, I know but you need to change. Start being yourself, know your own interests.

  103. I’ve always been a people pleaser too, and not because I’m fake but because I feel like anything is nice and all is good so I don’t oppose to that many things usually.

  104. That sounds like an extreme form of people pleasing. I have had some issues with being a people pleaser, but not to the point where I would change my complete identity for someone to like me. This seems like you would attract a lot of manipulative, abusive people who would use you. Are you really happy being this way?

  105. Your post has been automatically removed because your Reddit account was created too recently to post or comment in this sub.

  106. I personally like to know about other people. If you believe stealing is bad, I'd like to understand why you would think so. Same thing if you believe its good.

  107. Because at the end of the day it's manipulation. You're giving up your desire on the expectation that your compliance will get you a greater prize, be it companionship, money, sex, whatever. It's usually very, very transparent and unless you're in a situation where you already have some kind of leverage, like being family or something, people do not tolerate it for long.

  108. That doesn't really sound mentally healthy. Your parents fucked you up pretty bad bruh. People don't like their friends acting like dogs trying to please them, its repulsive and you are just stunting the growth of the person you are in company with.

  109. Because at the base of it people pleasers are not authentic. People who truly love you and like you, do it because of who you are intrinsically and not because of what you can do for them. In some sense, people pleasing is passive aggressive behavior. Imagine some random person followed you around and shouted compliments and then tried to give you gifts. You'd be freaked out. But what's worse is when the random person then starts expecting you to like them for this behavior. It's a fake transaction. It's like saying "I don't really care who you are, I'm going to do whatever it takes for you to like me so that I can get validation from you". Don't get it twisted, at the end of the day people pleasing behavior is really a selfish agenda of getting other people to like them and validate them forcibly.

  110. Honestly, you're just not a real person. What exactly do you give or receive in a relationship? I may as well get a dog rather than be friends with someone who has no personality. It's ingenuine, boring and doesn't provide anything to enhance my life. I don't need a fan boy chasing me around I need genuine friends which you simply aren't, all you want is attention and not to build a real relationship.

  111. I used to be like this with most people and friends, mainly due to how my father with narcissistic disorder raised me. This seems like your parents never wanted to take your opinions seriously and wanted everything to go in their own way.

  112. In a friends group, a people pleaser behaves completely differently with other people of the froup.And people will pick up on that. If a friend of mine is being absolutely different with a mutual friend then that will lead me to think that this person is fake. And that is why I would not wanna be friends with them.

  113. I feel like when people say they dislike people-pleasers, they are making a bit of a mistake. I think what they really mean is that they dislike people who come across as people-pleasers, which would be those who decide to accommodate others but then resent having to accommodate others (when actually they didn't express their needs/wishes in the first place) or are later found out to only be people-pleasing.

  114. This is why: if you are always altering who you are for others then no one can be sure they know the real you. They don't who you truly are and what your true values are. They see you chameleon yourself into playing someone else for others and they realize that if the opportunity arises you may drop your allegiance to them to please someone else instead, possibly at the expense of their friendship with you. (Or worse) You make yourself a wildcard where no one can quite predict who you will be. Most people would rather be friends with someone who they may occasionally disagree with but they know that they are being genuine rather that a cheerleader who backs up everything they say. It sounds like some trauma as a child led you down the funnel to be where you are now but you can always change course.

  115. I want someone to like me for me, by chance to be honest, I don’t want someone who immediately wants me to be the focus. I care about them too

  116. my only issue w them is that whenever i ask them abt which dress i should wear they just say ‘ both looks good’ like no they don’t. And that’s all becuz they don’t wanna pick a side … u get what i mean.. they aren’t not honest abt that.

  117. Maybe thinking about it that just like you enjoy and want to appreciate others’ personalities and love them for it, they also want to be with someone unique that they can appreciate and love.

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