What happens to a narcissistic parents if their child dies?

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  2. Came here to say this. Also, a dead child is a perfect child (possibly perfectly horrible) once the parent has "edited" the story and can havest sympathy.

  3. You are correct. At my husband's wake you would have thought his mother was hosting a dinner party. All the attention.

  4. My mom made the biggest scene at her mother in law’s funeral, despite having almost no relationship with her while she was alive. It was all definitely for attention.

  5. my nmother hated her stepfather. he was really abusive to her mom growing up to the point where when he died, my father assumed my mom wouldn’t be upset about it. Nope. she completely flipped out on my father, made a huge deal about the funeral, and got upset at me (i was maybe 5-7) for not comforting her as i did not understand what death was.

  6. My brother died 11 years ago. Both of my parents have milked the hell out of it ever since. He was their favourite when he was alive. It's possibly even worse now.

  7. Can only speak to my own thoughts. The ONLY reason I didn't commit suicide at a young age was because I knew at my core my Nmom would have gotten a lady boner over it. Yeah, she woulda cried and all, but it would have been her favorite starring role- the poor, selfless mother who has to bury a child...

  8. Yes. This. I've been suicidal for 16 years and one of the only things that stops me is the idea that my parents would use me after I died to perpetuate their own egos

  9. I lived for this spite, too!! My sister and her husband told me to do it constantly. I have since found out that they knew I was only born for a green card so maybe they thought I had served my purpose so it was just logical to tell me to do it (Every time they saw me, a literal child).

  10. SAME. I told my sister I didn’t want to kill myself because I think mom would be happy about it and she agreed that she probably would be.

  11. They weaponise it. My sibling died 20 years ago. After 20 years any point of disagreement still comes to a standstill with the statement " I LOST MY CHILD WHAT HAVE YOU EVER LOST "

  12. My mother died. My father's response was "you lost a mother, but I lost a spouse, which is so much harder." He also never once comforted me about losing my mom. He has never asked me if I miss her, how I am coping, or anything like that. Mainly he complains about how my mother "choosing to die" was really shitty for him because he had to cook all his own meals after that.

  13. My father in law had a terrible ugly battle with pancreatic cancer and after he died we had our third baby. On the phone with his narc mom my husband said “I just miss dad. I lost my father and I need him most now as a father” she heard none of it and went “I LOST MY HUSBAND! I NEED HELP!” (Yea no kidding lady)

  14. My narc mom did the same thing with my brother who was stillborn in 1972. We could never live up to him! And it was always a thing for her to lament and get depressed about 40+ years later.

  15. My NDad weaponized it differently, he uses his dead child for sympathy points on Social Media, making huge posts on his birthday and the anniversary of his passing (18 years in December). Never mind there's 3 living kids out there still thriving...2 of us without him now. (Basically he acts like we don't exist lol)

  16. I lost my life as a "normal" child. I can't move on because yoy keep throwing my siblings death in my face. Oh BTW I lost him/her as well so why not honor my feelings in all of this? I could probably go on. That happens with other parents too though even if they aren't narc. They just can't get over it.

  17. Yep. My Nfather even attacked me using an email address that starts with "missumatt," the name of my dead brother. Weaponization is the only term for it.

  18. My dad once told me a story of howmy mother was pregnant with a boy before me, but she had a miscarriage and she was extra-devastated because she wanted a boy. At least it explains why I'm such a crashing disappointment.

  19. First off I am sorry you had to experience that, this sounds very awful. My eldest sister went NC and my parents basically started acting like she was dead, but when my sister turned 40 my mom suddenly made a facebook post on her birthday about her self celebrating herself as being 40 years a mother. They have no shame and will use anything to get attention.

  20. Dear lord, I can hear my Nmom saying this. She hasn’t lost a child, but if she did, she’d definitely say this.

  21. My mom shows no concern about my pain but will definitely talk about it to others to get them to feel sorry for her. She also didn’t cry when my dad died until people showed up because she wanted the attention from being sad.

  22. My mother does this. I have told her repeatedly not to put my health/medical issues on FN. If she finds out the ambulance came to get me she starts with that. So she can get the, Oh she’s so lucky to have you for a mom. Blah blah blah. It’s never about me. I was NC for years but after my grandparents died I stopped NC. She is an only child as I am. I didn’t want her dying alone. Not the best decision for my sanity but I promised my grandfather I would look after her. I know if I die first it will be poor poor her and not be about losing me.

  23. Happened to a friend of mine, she was NC when she died in an auto accident. Her mom had a complete nervous breakdown, hospitalized, she was so heavily medicated she couldn’t string together a sentence at the funeral. I did feel sorry for her, their whole family was clearly just barely coping. Over the years her mom seemed to become more and more isolated at home, but very open on social media about her mental health issues. She never seemed to recover from her daughter’s death, she spoke of her constantly. At one point a friend pointed out that she was basically neglecting her surviving child because she was so still so preoccupied years later with the child that died. That didn’t go over well obviously. Other child moved across the country as soon as she had the means to and is either LC or NC, I’m not sure. I’m still fb friends with both of them but they aren’t friends with each other.

  24. I'll agree. Your friend did what she had too and now even the other children are suffering. Something I've heard of before narcissistic or not. She may have real mental issues but you can't deny the other stuff either.

  25. The parent would be genuinely upset. I think even more upset than a parent with healthy boundaries, in a lot of cases. The reason being that narcissistic parents often see their children as extensions of themselves. That makes it even harder for them to cope and eventually heal.

  26. Yes! They truly believe their pain is WORSE than anyone else’s ever has been. Maybe you’re right- it’s linked to feeling everything too personally. They contextualize the world only as how it relates to them. It’s truly sad and a developmental failure: how much is their fault in that? You know the idea of “take what you will, leave the rest”? That is meant to remind people that so much of the world is subjective and contextual. But they have the view that if something doesn’t apply to them, it is WRONG. Lots of linear and binary thinking. The world is neither of those things!

  27. That's how I felt and still feel. There is no way the she can understand me in any important way. We jave neem fighting about this kind of stuff S long as I can remember. I'd be NC but it's very LC instead because she is involved obviously with my brothers and dad. Sometimes I'd like to tell her all this but I know exactly how it would go. It wasnt that bad or you are in it for attention. Or you are lying for some reason. No, I don't need to go through that all even though if it did work it could be very healing.

  28. It kills me that they do this. My mother basically knew my brother was going to commit suicide and thought "well, I'll at least help arrange for him to see his 4 and 5 year old before he goes"...SURPRISE MOM, he kidnapped the kids, killed them and himself. Then, she wants to take his body and be responsible for the services, great. Heaven forbid the mother of the little boys get any money from a gofundme and she not share with the mother of the murderer to cover his expenses. F-off. I had to go NC after all of that nonsense. I don't expect to see her before she goes away and won't be shocked if she does it herself. She has been the most hateful and negative person I have ever met and I'm glad to be away from it.

  29. my heart goes out to you, thank you for sharing this story. I am so sorry. What they did was horrible and i just asked out of curiosity, i am not going to harm myself, thank you for caring.

  30. Very good point about mourning a completely different person. That hits home. Not recently but several friends have committed suicide since we went to school together. I'm not sure it had anything to do with N parents but they obviously felt that this would solve the problem. Very sad and hard to understand in a way. 2 of them had to do with being gay and I actually loved the ones parents as genuinely nice people. Also understood that coming out in a tiny ass town would be hard to accomplish. That is the main reason I moved away. To get on with my life. I got medicated when all I could think of was wouldn't it be better if I was gone? Even I knew that no, it wouldn't it would create so much more turmoil. I couldn't even take responsibility for knowing that someone would have to find me and I didn't want it to be any of people. That's just why I have a hard time thinking what someone was going through to complete that action.

  31. They get over it remarkably quickly as they never cared about the child. What happens to you if your distant neighbor dies? Probably nothing. Its the same to them.

  32. my god! wow...... I have noticed growing up i had all these strict rules.... i realize now that it was all about control and not that they are genuinely concerned

  33. First off, please don't kys. Secondly, I have no clue. I know they'd be devastated if it was one of their gcs, however for me, I don't think that they'd feel anything, however they'd position it to get as much sympathy from as many people as possible, and potentially try to use my passing as a ruse to get at my child.

  34. Good point: I didn’t read the post as potentially linked to personal feelings of suicide ideation from OP, but good to cover that topic. If there are any feelings like that, please reach out to your supports and can contact professionals!

  35. My mother in law threw herself onto the floor and broke her own hand to avoid being blamed for what she and her daughter did to my credit. It was wild to hear about.

  36. My grandparents where narcisissits they fridge was covered with photos of all the grand kids. They where soo proud look how wonderful they all are….. never bothered to meet a bunch of them prolly don’t even know all my kids names even but they sure where proud……

  37. They just legitimately have their emotional motivations backwards. Their emotions unfortunately developed as a response/self-protection from some event(s) in their early life.

  38. The self work is the most important or only real way to deal with this. For both parties. In my case I know she witnessed abuse but being next to the youngest daughter, never once had her ass whipped with the cat-o-nine tails hanging in the coat rack. it was still there for most of the grands to see for many years later. Raising kids to fear your authority and wonder why it doesn't work well.

  39. His gc died and it was all about him. Everything needed and still needs to revolve around 'his loss.' Has never seemed to get enough of the sympathy and condolences. No-one else lost, no-one else suffered, just him. No-one in the family has a right to their grief. He alone suffered this tragedy.

  40. He may have wished or wanted it to be you. Or just being cruel because he can. You, first of all should never feel that way. I get survivor guilt though as well. Thats something more natural than the hate this guy seems to hang on to. Make yourself well. Best medicine and revenge if you want.

  41. Not an answer but I suggest creating a funeral plan/invite list, similar to a “wedding invite list”. I’ve seen Narcs use funerals as a stage to restructure the entirety of not only the child’s life but their relationship to others. If the other attendees aren’t aware of the entire situation (especially NC), the memory of the child can be warped.

  42. They will use the death to torment the rest of the family in both predictable and batsh*t crazy ways for the rest of their life. It will fuel narcissistic rage and periodic meltdowns that will be vented on whatever victims remain. When my brother died, my mother would pull my sister out of bed in the middle of the night and beat her when my father worked the nightshift. She'd work herself into a rage sitting alone and then come looking for someone to vent on.

  43. Man, thay is so familiar even if it didn't include someone dying. I was sent to bed at 8pm most nights until I was 15. Dad got home late so she took thay opertunity to tell him all kinds of shit and I couldn't defend myself. I got jerked out of bed more times than I could count. To finish a chore or just to argue or or or. Wait aren't I supposed to be in bed because I need my beauty sleep and it helps my attitude to lay awake in my room, no lights on or no radio, nothing. I ended up sleeping from maybe 11 or 12 till like 6 am.

  44. My narc grandmother lost her son when he was in his late 20s. According to my dad, his brother was the GC and my dad was the SG, but I think she switched them up depending on her mood, just to keep them competing against each other and vying for her attention.

  45. I haven't read Mary Trump's book yet, but I have watched numerous interviews where she talked about the book, which included responding to subjects she wrote about like the death of her father, Fred(die) Trump Jr. He technically died from alcohol-related heart failure, but I believe his real cause of death was a passive suicide, an unbearable amount of grief/distress over many years. If he tried to satisfy Trump's father, Freddy was yelled at and ostracized trying to do what Daddy wanted because it sounds like Freddy was cut from a different cloth, as testified by his friends.

  46. My cousin died of a dramatic disease and my mother brings it up in the most random places. For example, she might say to a grocery store cashier, “Oh, I’ve been so flustered ever since my niece died of ______!”

  47. My friend's son overdosed. He was staying with one of his buddies who woke up in the middle of the night feeling like something was wrong. When he went downstairs to check on the son, he found him unresponsive on the couch. Rather than call an ambulance, he loaded him into the car and drove him the quarter block to the emergency room (our EMT service was three miles away and across the railroad tracks). His nDad spent weeks in front of the house with a sign protesting this boy for "negligence" to the point that he was featured on the local news. On what would have been his birthday, my friend, the nDad, and their other son were supposed to have a private dinner to memorialize the deceased son. He called to let my friend know she was uninvited because he felt it should be a boy's night out. They divorced two years later. Nothing is ever about you; it is always about them and their desire for attention.

  48. My brother passed away when we were young (I was 8 he was 6) in a 4 wheeler accident. I didn't understand my nmom was narcissistic at the time, obviously I was a young child but also my dad did a lot to try to protect me from her. But after he died, she got so lost in her own victimhood that no one else's grief was even significant. She blamed my dad for it (it wasn't his fault) while they were still married and abused him horribly because of it. It didn't matter to her that he or I were grieving too. When he died, i ended up becominf the adult. She was too caught in being a victim and my dad was too depressed and broken from the accident and her retraumatization of him over and over. When they got divorced and she couldn't place her anger and blame on him any more, she turned it on me. I was 12 at the time. She blamed me for his death and told me she wished it had been me instead because he never would have treated her the way I did. Everything always came back to him. I am currently 27 and have been NC with her for 10 years. She messages me occasionally and still, everything leads back to his death, every message from her has something to do with him and her grief. Her being the victim of losing him became such a part of her identity she couldn't separate herself from it. And even though we haven't spoken in a decade, I firmly believe that if something happened to me she'd go further down that rabbit hole.

  49. 2 months before my halfbrother died my ndad told him that he doesn't care if he dies and that he'll get over him 2 weeks after he gets hurried. My mom never wanted us to ask him abiyt hus sickness bc he didnt mention it to them and so on. When he does this year. He was pretending not to be okay bc he spent sooooo🙄 much money on him and my brother was sooo🙄 stubborn. He hurried him and after his death he started insulting him when we were around and repeated his words about getting über his death.

  50. My ex died this summer and even his eulogy was about his shitty family. I see his moms Pinterest board from time to time and it’s just cringe about how she can’t go on. Some people never “learn” and it will always be about them

  51. My uncle does his crying on the internet as well. He did lose a son but the bigger question of why none of the other kids contact him anymore is known to us and should be obvious to him.

  52. It’s been 30 years since my younger sibling died. Np is still the only one who knows what it feels to suffer like this, and every body should be okay with whatever awful thing she says/does because of it. Oh and of course it was my fault. Or sometimes my dads fault, whatever suits the situation

  53. Yes same here after 20 years. It's truly unbelievable. Also I was a terrible child to them after my sibling died, evidently, because after staying a week at their house I had to return to my home and my two jobs (f/t, p/t) and my studies (p/t). I was almost 30, idk what they expected me to do, quit my jobs and studies and leave my bf to move back in with them on the other side of the state?

  54. My brother recently survived cancer. Had he not, she would’ve gotten to live out her grieving mother fantasy complete with prayer groups (for her, not him), food, parties, a funeral where she’d be the center of attention, and best of all, she’d get all the sympathies because her only living child (me) is so mean that he refuses to speak to her and she just can’t figure out why!

  55. My narc mom did not shed a single tear when my dad passed away but she took advantage of all the sympathy and condolences she got. I assume it would be the same if I died.

  56. That is a good question. Me personally im torn between two possibilities. I think my mom might actually have had a psychotic break if I had died a few years ago when she depended on me most, when I was both the GC and SG simultaneously at the height of her control over me. And she would have used my death to control my other siblings, they would be very worried for her. But if I died today, after 3 years of being NC, she would say I deserved it and she would likely say horrible things about me to my other siblings.

  57. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone. So no they would not be geniunely upset or heartbroken as a normal person would. Just milk all the attention they can get from it.

  58. I gave my mom and stepdad orders about not telling my nDad (NC) if I die before him so he can't sabotage any funeral plans or try to fight over my corpse.

  59. Please please please don’t harm yourself. I know it’s hard, emotionally and physically draining, and it might seem like things will never get better but please, trust me that they do and they will. Hang in there. You’ll be able to get out one day and build a successful life without those narc losers.

  60. I lost my brother last September. My Nmom weaponizes it. It’s another reason everyone should be living their lives for her. She loves using the line “you lost your brother, that’s hard enough. I lost my SON.” I’m also subhuman to her because I don’t have children and she can’t relate to that since she started having kids at 19 and had a litter of us, so she’ll sprinkle in “you don’t have children so you don’t understand that bond and I hope you never have to go through what I’m going through.”

  61. I am not sure, because I ended up not dying. I overdosed 3 years ago coded and was in a coma. The first thing my mom said when I woke up was how could you do this to me!!!! My first though was shit I am alive. I am grateful I lived and now have a beautiful life. I am NC and not looking back. My guess though is make it about them maybe throw in how good of parents they were and don't deserve this.

  62. Oh, I feel so conflicted answering this because I’m socially awkward due to not being raised. There’s no way - NOT - to tell this as harshly as it is but please know I have a huge sense of humor and this incident was - massively liberating for me. I got to see this. And, my mother is such a narcissist, she didn’t even hide it. Technically, it was a suicide, at the time. (Now, it was a side effect from a combination of drugs and genetics my mother had lied to doctors about. My grandmother wasn’t my grandmother.) They called her at work, told her I was dead. So, in the ER, they were treating me like shit. Then, I died, then, I wasn’t dead. Then, she shows up, and she sees me alive, and she didn’t remember to wipe the look of disappointment and anger off her face. The staff that had been saying all kinds of, “we could be saving people who died in a car crash, what about your mother?” BS, now got pretty quiet, because you just couldn’t miss it. This was someone who lost the ability to pretend they were grieving. She didn’t have time to switch gears to some other appropriate behavior before I said, “you called the wrong person, she’s not my legal guardian, anymore.” Well, guess what? She’d acted sad on the phone, and now the clear as fkn, “I’ve seen the most unpleasant ghost,” face - was staring at them.

  63. At 29 my brother took his own life. His final weeks he noved back in with my mom and I. His relationship was ruined, he was father of a girl that almost turned 2, he removed asbestos for a living which took a 2 hour drive and slept at the tiniest room in the house on a mattress on the floor and occasionally had his daughter there with him which was the only thing keeping him going. He made a slip up getting drunk and was two hours late picking up his daughter which our mother babysat (that was bad of him, no excuse). My mom scolded him and what she said I'll never know, but shes very eloquent and cold as ice. 2 week later he did it.

  64. When I was a kid my sister told me that my mother said I would probably die soon ( because I had asthma) then proceeded to chainsmoke throughout my childhood, get mad if I tried to open a window, and when I was 21 she attacked me and strangled me on the dining room table. I don't think she would care to be honest. But she would play the victim for all its worth.

  65. My aunt died when she was eight forty years ago and my narcissistic grandmother uses that as either a constant source for attention so people will pity her or uses it as a weapon against my uncle and my mother saying “I lost my daughter, you’ll never know what it’s like to lose a family member” every time important in their lives recently died, she believes suffering (or more important the attention that comes with suffering) to be a contest and she’s the only one allowed to win. My uncle and mom have at times gotten so annoyed of her using that they have responded “We know you didn’t just lose a child, we lost our sister” and then my grandmother loses it starts screaming, storms out and doesn’t talk to anyone for months and then when she comes back, she starts saying to everyone that she has the right to say whatever she wants and that we need to apologize. The same applies to the rest of my family if anyone we cared about passed away. Sometimes she has gone to other funerals in order to make it all about herself, we don’t invite her to these anymore for that reason.

  66. So my mum is a narc, and my oldest brother died last year. My whole life i saw her resentment towards him because he was the first kid and she was NOT shy about saying she regretted having kids. As he got older, she kind of switched him and his younger brother (younger brother was the GC of the two boys most of the time), and his brother was the scapegoat and he was the GC.

  67. When my brother died my mother spent years wailing IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU whenever I didn't comply with what she wanted/didn't live up to her standards

  68. Well I don't know this personally, but I've seen it. . An underclassmen of my brother unalived himself a few years back, his mother is a monster and is 100% the reason. . She does not hesitate to make posts all over facebook (her bio reads mother of [blank], my sweet angel or something like that), got mad at his graduation that a seat wasn't reserved for him, lost her shit there wasn't an obituary for her kid in the year book and made an album of his photos and forced his classmates to sign, and she does not hesitate to bring him up at the drop of the hat or without context or just straight up use it as an excuse. . She works at the school with my mom, all she does all day is sit on a dating site messaging men and telling anyone who will listen about her newly collected psychology degree. . All that learning and she couldn't read the room, her kid was depressed as all h*ll months prior, even told those who would listen that he hated her and she made his life hell 😮‍💨🤦🏽‍♀️

  69. I imagine it depends on how much of their self-worth they've built upon the image of being "perfect" parents. The more they identify with this image the harder the fall when something takes a crack at it.

  70. Two N parents here. My youngest brother died at 16 (suicide) and our mother found a way to make it all about her, despite the fact that she and our father abused him in life.

  71. If any of you guys experienced this could you please reply. I would like to know if the reactions may be different if they are the sg or gc. I’m sorry for all your loses as well.

  72. Firstly, I want to say that if you’re having suicidal thoughts.. please contact your national suicide hotline, your therapist if you have one, and whatever your support system is: friends, relatives, coworkers. Get help if you need it, that’s no shame in asking for help!

  73. The death of my grandma’s only child (my dad) is actually what made me realize I come from a narcissistic family.

  74. My parents would be sad because their supply and free therapist is dead. I was never anything but a tool to use and put up on the shelf.

  75. My sister lost her son (5yrs), she would use that against his father, and step father. When she was with step-dad she would mispronounce his name the way he would to guilt him into doing her bidding.

  76. Mine lost a son and eventually wrote the situation off as his own failure causing his death. They were religious nuts who blamed everything on lack of faith, sinning, etc. The truth is that he was neurodivergent and terrified of dentists, refused to be touched, and died from a tooth infection. Edit: They were upset initially, of course. He died a terrible death.

  77. It's a weapon. My stepdad lost a child. He constantly told me that he wished I had died because it wasn't fair that people like me get to live while his bio daughter didn't.

  78. My narcissistic mother lost her son, my brother. The whole situation was about her loss. Not what he went through, or anything else. Her loss was the sole focus. It still is.

  79. My understanding is that they’ll be thrilled to have the attention on them, the tragic parent who lost a child before their time. Endless source of sympathy for them.

  80. My sister legit almost died in a really bad car wreck. She debated whether or not to go see her because my sister moved out to live with our dad. Yup, shes "the enemy" for wanting a relationship with our dad who btw she kept us from all our lives. She waited a full day before going. My sister could have died while she was debating. It's honestly a miracle she's alive. When she got there, she made a stink because they told her visiting hours were over. "Im her mother!" Yeah and we told you she was here 5 am yesterday and yet here you are 36 hours later... When I moved out with my sister to my dads,she shut us both out again and we haven't talked in 8 years. I can say with 100% confidence if she had died, my mom would have been all "woe is me!" She already was acting that way

  81. My brother (scapegoat) died 15 years ago, way too young. At first Nmom seemed genuinely sad. Then it turned on a dime, and she hurried to get rid of all his possessions and memories of him. Next came her blaming him posthumously for his own mental state, to absolve herself of any responsibility. Then she acted like he’d never existed, until I’d been fully morphed into the scapegoat and she tried to shift the blame onto me. The only reason she didn’t use his death to garner sympathy (attention) is because she knew people were aware of his open disdain for her. I myself was confused for much of my life about how much he hated her and why. I’m not now.

  82. Yeah, I'm in the process of doing a living will, etc. I'm making it very clear my mother is to never be considered as next if kin, or to have any say over me medically. Because she would legit let me die, even if not brain dead, just to play the victim for attention, and weaponize it against others.

  83. My nMoms first pregnancy resulted in twins, one of them unfortunately passed away when he was 4 months old, I have been told she was devastated and participated in therapy for a while. I was born from her second pregnancy, and all my life I have been told that she "sacrificed" (her words) a child for me to be here and if my other brother haven't died I wouldn't be here. Also she told me a lot that I have to live my life the fullest by going to uni, and study a lot because my other brother couldn't do these things (basically to make me do things that she thought is good for me, and don't get me wrong studying is always good but I would have rather went to a technical school for hairdressing or interior design).

  84. When I had some really bad suicidal ideation, I would often think about this, and funnily enough that’s what kept me from offing myself - I’d imagine my N just laughing at my corpse because she’d think I killed myself for such a stupid reason.

  85. When my mom died my dad milked it publicly for all it was worth while in private had no problem repeatedly telling me how much happier his life is and how relieved he is she (wife of thirty years) finally died

  86. My SIL who could be the poster child,for narcissism, treated her mother like dirt, when she was dying, it was all about her getting sympathy from the nurses, etc. and ‘what a good daughter” she was. She caused havoc at the wake…making it all about her, the funeral too, my husband was noticeably upset and she said, what is the matter with you? I lost my MOTHER! And my husband said she was my mother too… not even an I’m sorry. We haven’t spoken in years,

  87. My younger brother was severely disabled. My mum did pretty much everything for him, I started help g as a teenager. My Ndad would do nothing to help at home but if we went out he would insist on pushing the wheelchair. When my brother died (my parents were divorced by then) my dad had told people he had custody of my brother which he never did and played the role of grieving father. He also always had photos of him around to get sympathy.

  88. Well, my grandma just moaned about it for the last thirty years. “Why should I change? My child died!” And then constantly yelling at others for upsetting her because she’s still grieving

  89. Not sure. My whole family has covid since Monday and you would swear we are dying by the way my mom has told us how much she’s cried over it… pretty sure she’s getting loads of supply by this.

  90. They probably just talk about how great they are and how much they did for the deceased. And will surely be getting off on the attention from actual grievers.

  91. I have. While everyone was around, it was “my poor baby! Omg how awful! I’m so glad you’re ok!” but as soon as it was just us it was “omg how could you be so stupid! Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? Why are you always making a scene?”

  92. Well, my grandmother recently passed and I can tell you how my narcissistic mother reacted to that. She uses it for attention and to get sympathy from literally everyone. Despite claiming she "doesn't want to talk about it" or repeat things over and over, she clearly relishes telling everyone about it. Also, she'll use it to put down other family members in various ways.

  93. I learned after years of knowing my friend that her twin died of cancer around age 5. The family destroyed all memories of the twin. My friend only has one picture of her twin and is not allowed to bring it up at all. I was the first friend she told, and we were around age 17.

  94. I got a minor preview years back. I got very sick for a while when I was working for my n-dad. It was hell since he would get pissed when I would take off because I was too sick. Finally got to the point of going to the hospital. I did not share that info with anyone except my nuclear family and two close friends. My dad blew the lid on that one by posting about it with the “prayers” bullshit - he laughs at other people who do that. I like to call it his version of “karma-farming” to get more business for his failing business that he forced me to run until I was too sick. I was stuck in the hospital through Easter weekend. The man only visited me one single day (which was a holiday and my sister came to town to see me). When I brought it up to my mom, she said “you know he doesn’t handle hospitals well”. Oh hey, that’s believable if it weren’t for the fact that the man has been a paramedic and a volunteer firefighter. No. He just had the same “I bankroll so I don’t have to be there” mentality. When I got out of the hospital, I requested an additional week off because I hadn’t gotten my diagnosis yet. The man pitched a royal fit because he didn’t want to run his own business. So my guess is that he will do the same pity-grabbing if I died. The man I am marrying visited me during that hospital stay without being asked and we were not even together. It’s sad because this man has shown more compassion and care towards me than my own father for my entire life. It’s sometimes embarrassing.

  95. I’m confident my parents would use my death as a way to manipulate everyone else around them. In very dark moments this is actually waist kept me going, because if I were to commit suicide they’d get ALL the attention and sympathy in addition to not having to “deal” with me.

  96. One of my mom’s best friends lost a child a few years ago and all she could talk about was how it affected her and even went so far as to say it should’ve been my brother because he was an addict and she expected him to OD before her friends son did. I could tell she was jealous of the attention.

  97. My ex MIL is a huge narcissist. When I got with my ex he was the oldest of three and by the time we broke up he was an only child. He lost his sister to suicide and his brother to a heroin overdose. I planned both of their funerals and kept the house running the whole time. And my ex MIL? She was all over Facebook fishing for sympathy and going out to the local bar doing karaoke and sleeping around. Both times she played up the fact that burying your children is the hardest thing a mother can do and then behind closed doors she acted relieved she didn't have to deal with them anymore. Both had a lot of emotional issues due to childhood trauma, a lot of it she was responsible for, and she seemed almost happy she didn't have to deal with that anymore.

  98. I met this 1 girl on here who's narc parent basically killed their autistic kids from neglect and physical abuse and the girl told me her mom got more out of it.This girl hasn't answered the phone since April😢.Her mom got away with the murder too cause you can ger away with anything when the victim has mental lables rather true or false.

  99. I lived above a couple whose son had died, I believe the mother was a narc. Can you imagine people who complain you're walking around in your apartment too loud because "their son died 20 years ago and they need peace". Every complaint they made about us somehow came with a qualifying statement about their son. We were getting harassing phone calls at 6pm, that kind of thing. They called the police while we were drinking tea with friends, not exactly a party. Anyway they justified all their bullying and racism towards us with their dead son. Crazy stuff.

  100. Ultimately they don't care, and will use your death for nsupply whenever and wherever possible. They will probably be over the top crying at your funeral so they can farm attention from others. If you do chores around the house and/or contribute to the bills they will use your death to get someone who pities them to "fill your spot"

  101. Growing up, all I ever wanted to do was be in the Army. nMom didn’t want that and put up every obstacle to keep me from it. From not taking me to a doctor when I was having pain from running, all the way to threatening physical violence. I ended up joining anyway and deployed to Afghanistan.

  102. The latter. My Dad was dying of stage 4 lung cancer my mother 1. Refused to stop smoking 2. Wouldn't drive him to chemo 3. Left my Dad dying alone in a hospital 10 hrs away because "you just don't understand how hard this is on me."

  103. I had a sister who married twice before 20 trying to escape my mom and only refrained from running off entirely because she loved our younger siblings. She was ready to join the army or run off to New Orleans, anything, to get away.

  104. When my brother died, my mom left his deathbed to go check into her hotel & didn’t come back. I think because it was a downer, & nobody was paying attention to her. She hasn’t mentioned him since, to me at least. It was like he was a carton of milk, but the milk was gone, so he wasn’t useful to her any more.

  105. While I was in therapy recovering from spousal narcissistic abuse, I recalled a time when my mother made a comment about her older sister ‘Z’. Z had lost two children - a daughter at 19 and a son at 30. Someone commented on how well Z hosts gatherings and later my mom remarked ‘everyone cuts Z slack just because she lost two kids’. That memory allowed me to start to realize that I had married a narcissist and accepted abuse from them for so long because I had been raised by one and groomed for that my whole life.

  106. When my best friend died, her abusive mother immediately made it all about her. My best friend was raped by her step father when she was 3 and raped repeatedly until the age of 6. When her mother found out, she chose the rapist over her own daughter. After her daughter’s death, her first question was “who’s going to take care of me now?

  107. I’m the scapegoat and nearly died in my mom’s care. In my greatest hour of need, when I was quickly nearing death, she left me home alone to go out to eat. I would have died if my dad hadn’t happened to come home and find me blue on the floor.

  108. I think the nparent just goes deeper into their delusions surrounding that child. Ngrandma's step-son (my uncle) was the scapegoat and she treated him horribly yet he was so kind to her. When he died, she went to his funeral dressed to the nines in the middle of summer and did the "woe is me" act. I'm sure she got some sweet, sweet narc supply from the funeral-goers who didn't know the truth.

  109. There are too many variables to determine the answer to this question. What is the level of narcissism in each parent? How successful are you?? career ?? family?? children?? friends?? Your home, size and location?? Basically what are their bragging rights??

  110. I had a sibling die a few years ago. My ndad was mostly indifferent about it. Outside of the home he couldn’t stop telling people how sad he was and trying to get their sympathy. But inside he moved on just fine and couldn’t understand why we weren’t operating to his expected levels of perfection.

  111. I didn't realise my mother was a narcissist for a long time and she got cancer and died soon after I did realise. While caring for her, I also realised that my grandmother, her mom, was even worse. After she passed, my gran made losing her daughter her whole personality and refused to acknowledge that other people felt loss and grief as well (especially my dad, who lost a partner of 30 years in a few months' time). It's been 5 years and she still holds on to the pain, holds numerous memorials every year for my mother, but those are all about how the two of them had the perfect relationship and how she's been left alone in the world. (They had a very unhealthy codependent thing going on.) The best part is, she has another daughter who lives in another country and went NC about 20 years ago, but obviously that cannot possibly be her fault.

  112. My boyfriend took his life almost a month ago. His mother is an alcoholic and his father is a first category narcissist. I haven’t seen him frown once, or shed a tear. The day after the thing happened, he was laughing with a friend.

  113. She didn't lose a child, but my NMom's mom (my Gma/the only person in my bio family I was close to) died 10 years ago, a few days after my nmom's bday. She completely invalidated my grief, just to complain that nobody noticed her birthday had been a few days before.

  114. Probably roll straight into playing the victim for the rest of their lives and we can watch their mental health circle further and further down the drain because they no longer have their favorite outlet for, well, everything horrible.

  115. My mom was sad but not like I would be. She sure got on with life quick. New boyfriends and all that. Never would go to her grave site. Never.

  116. ‘I wish you had died instead of your brother!’ My brother died when I was small. Every other child in our family was told we should have died. We spent holidays at his grave- took family photos.

  117. My mom lost a baby in child birth a couple years before me. (I'm oldest) She use to tell me all the time she wished it had been me. She's also used it as sympathy.

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