The cultural difference is too much. I need to (kindly) separate myself from my indian in-laws

  1. “Everything in my life is fine, now that you are gone. I hope you enjoyed your visit to my home because it’s the last one you’ll have. If you have any further questions, direct them to my husband. I am blocking you on my phone and all social media.”

  2. I firmly believe it is on the spouse related to the toxic family to uphold the boundaries you decide as a couple. It sounds like your husband is on your team. You don't ever need to be rude, but seperation and learning to control your reactions/feelings towards them will empower you. You can either go full no contact and simply block them on all platforms and advise your husband to let them know with how invasive and offensive they've been you need your space, or you can slowly weed them out. This means the very most basic responses if you don't want to block them. If they ask how was your day. Reply it's good. Don't ever send photos, information or replies longer then one sentence. At the end of the day, the tough conversation of what you and your husband expect should be had by him with his family. And if they can't respect your boundaries, he needs to enforce consequences. It's fine to have different opinions or preferences, not fine to insult others choices if they're not harmful just different.

  3. Welcome to our work😩. As a fellow Asian (from Bangladesh) I sympathise with you. My advice would be to wave her hood bye back to Indian and don’t look back. Let her son communicate with her, but you’ve done your bit. In the Indian subcontinent a lot of women are treated like trash, and remember your mil was one of them. She probably dreamt of the day when she would be a mother inlaw where someone is a maid for her. There are good Asian mils but honestly I think they are few and far between.

  4. I wouldn't respond at all. No matter how matter-of-fact and respectful you are, she'll twist it to make you out to be the villain. After all, you gave her no reason to distrust you or to "make yourself out to be a whore," but that didn't stop her from twisting things to make you look/feel like garbage.

  5. Your husband went through all the culture stuff and told MIL to adhere to it, but what is there to back it up? If she doesn't, is he ready to not let her stay?

  6. Honestly, because of her behavior/attitude (which will never change), she is absolutely not entitled to any kind of response. She had been educated, warned, etc about the cultural differences, but could not see beyond any of it and treated you like crap. HER problem. Block her and do not engage with her. Let your husband know that's where you stand.

  7. My best friend from kindergarten married into an Indian family. Her MIL is just like this, though the FIL is quite agreeable and fun to be around (we think he's just scared shitless)

  8. You are both women who are proud of their morals and upbringing and who want a happy family. You just have different ways of achieving it. Your husband probably warned you about her as much as she was warned about you. Instead of defending yourself, redirect her attentions to what you have that she values. Realize that she will never be content, and that the anger she rains on you is misdirected from her precious son. He knew how she was and he still married a modern girl. It's on him.

  9. You can't .She will not change. All you can do is not engage . Your husband can visit .They can stay in a hotel. They cannot abide your standards and vise versa. Sorry.

  10. Please tell me he is not the eldest son? Does he expect to take them in to live with you both when they become older?

  11. I got the feeling that OP's DH isn't the most traditional Indian son. I doubt this was an option even before OP came along.

  12. I don’t have experience with the massive cultural difference, but my mom’s MIL (my dad’s mom) has similar issues and has put us through so much shit in the last few years. No details, but what I’ve learned from this is DON’T be the first to make contact. It feeds into her entitlement. Since she has already texted you, I would respond with something extremely short. “[husband] and I have decided that we want no further contact with you.” Even better if he makes that decision and tells her. I would advise not to give her all the reasons. That also feeds into her entitlement. It opens the avenue for an argument. She’ll get defensive, it’ll never end. So yeah I’d say keep it short, let her know you won’t be speaking any longer, and then put it to rest. Block her if you have to, or mute notifications from her if you can’t block.

  13. Don't enable her or your FIL. Do not allow them to talk down to you and insult you. The moment they do so, stop them and tell them you will not converse with rude bigots who have no respect for others. If they don't want to behave like decent people then they do not deserve your respect.

  14. Eh, there are plenty of Indian mothers-in-law who, despite cultural differences, would understand the her behaviour was awful. Don't let her off the hook.

  15. If you don’t want to give her any ammo for “she tore our family apart” drama, simply fade into the sunset. Reply to her text with something like: “everything is fine” and defer any other questions to your husband….who is currently not speaking to her lol Any future visits, be super busy to spend time with them and make them stay at a hotel where the staff can keep the floors clean so that FILs allergies don’t act up.

  16. I'm an American mutt, as was my first late husband. His American mutt mother was the same way, as was his sister. Miserable women who need everyone else to be miserable. I'm glad you read the situation and went NC after your first exposure. It took me 15 years.

  17. It is a difference in culture, this shouldn't be a shock. If you want to maintain a bond for/with your husband and his mother, it's best that you don't suggest you stop talking, that creates a further divide. Let your husband take the lead in how he wants to handle it.

  18. Absolutely. You cannot expect her to change, and your husband is the one who needs to tell her that she cannot expect you or him to change either.

  19. I am also in a multicultural marriage of 15 years (european/mid east) so this one strikes a chord with me...

  20. I would tell her, I am fine. We will not be spending anymore time together. Our values and cultures differ and I don't want to bring any discord to the family. You and DH can spend all the time together you please. I will not be a part of it. You "slut shamed, disrespected, my privacy was invaded and she treated me like i was some dirty sub human maid." I know we have many differences however I have never nor would I ever disrespect you and make you feel some type of way about the way you were raised and your beliefs.

  21. The reality is that you’re not gonna make her like you and you don’t need to have a relationship with her. Your husband, on the other hand is the one who needs to accept this and decides what he wants to do with his mom’s behavior, though you totally don’t need to do what he says. You didn’t marry him to be an Indian wife, you don’t need to talk to this woman at all.

  22. Seems like he's definitely on op's side seeing as he isn't talking with his mother due to her behavior. But i think he took the wrong approach. He needs to be the buffer between op and his mom so that's gonna require him talking at least a little in order to enforce boundaries. Otherwise, if the inlaws are staying with them and husband is not talking with them, that means op is left to fend for herself

  23. You need to tell her that “when in Rome…” and remind her she is the one in Rome. Explain how in the eyes of your culture she was extremely rude.

  24. She will never understand you and will always be like this - wether you say something or not. By the sounds of it, your husband is on your side as he opposes his own mothers worldviews and is on your side.

  25. OP, you have a chance to clearly tell her in an informative way that she is acting like a bitch! Don't pass on this opportunity! Some of us WISH we could!

  26. I would let your husband deal with her, TBH. Nothing you say about the issues will be taken to heart and I’d hate for you to expend more energy.

  27. This is very good advice. Allowing her husband to be the speaker is probably the only possible way MIL would listen, though I doubt that she will take anything he says to heart. Definitely they need to stay at a hotel or air b&b I wouldn't allow them in my house again, only meet at a neutral site. An apology is not negotiable but I think even if MIL gave one it wouldn't be sincere. I am glad OPs husband is on her side because we see way to many who don't stick up for their wives on here.

  28. Oh, dear OP. You need to understand their culture. That their society’s survival absolutely needed women to be subservient to men, and so women needed to police each other and even stone each other. Even more so in these times of globalization, where their culture risks being drowned by poisonous Western, colonizing values. Gods (aplenty) forbid such culture disappears! /s

  29. My in-laws are Mexican, not Indian, so not as extreme, but still expect total conformity and obedience. It took me 20 years to completely lose my cool and I went no contact with both MIL and FIL. SIL has joined them in not speaking to me and I consider that a win.

  30. YOU would never be the reason for any “bad blood” between your husband and your JNMIL. HER OWN ACTIONS would be the only reason.

  31. I'd respond and lay it out for her. You didn't marry her or her culture. You didn't agree to follow her cultural rules. You entered into an equal partnership with your husband and aren't looking for her approval. Your husband clearly explained the cultural norms in your country and she disregarded everything she was told and proceeded to disrespect you in your own home for weeks on end. You are not and will never be her servant. She can either apologize and respect you going forward or you will no longer have any type of relationship with her. This goes for her husband as well. I'd also tell her that she is never again welcome to stay in your home if they choose to visit in the future.

  32. Yeaaahhhh they're all like that. You don't live with them, don't have to endure them for more than a few weeks maybe once or twice a year. Don't even bother saying anything to them. Have your husband communicate, he knows how to handle his parents. Take your sanity and preserve it. Channel all that mental energy into bettering your marital relationship. Also, it took me quite a long time to learn this about people whenever I've felt slighted by them for any reason- Draw a boundary and keep enforcing it. The more you react to their actions the more they'll come at you. Don't react. And also, they are too old to change their ways. My in laws are also the 'we are very modern, our daughter can do anything she pleases but our daughter in law is supposed to be a subhuman maid who only exists to serve us' In my family we are the confrontation kind, my husband's family is the exact opposite, they like to bury things and spend their life being passive aggressive. I don't do that, so when i confront i become the bad person bcz I say things out loud. Most Indian families are like that. So let it go, since there genuinely isn't any scope. As long as your husband gets it, and he won't force them on you or ask you to do what they say, it's ok. That's the best case scenario. Good thing you won't have children, see it as the ultimate revenge 😈

  33. First I wouldn’t answer her text now, or ever for that matter. After talking to DH she should know she misbehaved. She’s looking for you to kowtow, reassure her, and of course be a submissive well behaved DIL. Yeahhhhh don’t fall for that.

  34. Those are her beliefs, and that’s fine…. For HER. She needs to stop shoving them on you. Just like you thinking her lifelong beliefs need to suddenly stop as well.

  35. Was this rule 'they can visit if, and when, you have a baby...' purposeful to ensure they never visit, since OP says she and her husband will not be having children lol?

  36. If you are wanting to deal with this kindly, you should probably let your husband convey the message that it's best if you don't interact directly with them any more.

  37. If it were me, I would text: “I endured far too much disrespect from you during your visit, and I will not be enduring it any further. I will not interfere with your relationship with my husband, but I will not be having one with you. Goodbye.” And theeeen block number! Cuz I will scorch the earth on a motherfucker.

  38. "No. Everything is not OK. You are rude, sexist, nosy, disrespectful and have no sense of propriety or boundaries, and I do not wish to speak to you or see you again."

  39. First of all I need to tell you how lucky you are! They only stayed for 4 weeks. My poor Indian neighbor has to endure her in laws visiting for 6 months. She told me it’s normal in their culture. Also you are very lucky that your husband is on your side. They raised him in that culture but he managed to change. I think at this point your husband needs to communicate to them that you won’t have any relationship with his in-laws. Don’t even bother explaining yourself, they are too stubborn to live in the 21st century

  40. Not sure what to do about the inlaws but my gut reaction is you need to replace your birth control. Ive seen way to many baby rabied "grandmother's" faulter with birth control. Probably best to replace them every time she visits.

  41. Although this is mandatory a better option is to not allow them in the house again! They can stay elsewhere if they want to visit and always meet at a neutral site. My house is my safe spot, they have the ability to make me feel unsafe, uncomfortable so they don't get to come and make me no longer have a safe spot. At least that is how I feel about it.

  42. Why do you need to say anything? Tell here everything is fine she lives far away from you so you won’t need to deal with her. Just keep it to casual greetings and let you husband deal with his family relations.

  43. Yeah. This is it. She doesn’t need to hear it from you OP. I wouldn’t even respond to the text If I were you, or just say you’re busy with work etc. You’re better off letting your husband handle this and next time, probably keep yourself busy enough to not put up with their crap.

  44. I’d definitely make sure they stayed in a hotel if they come back, and make sure you do the same if you ever go to visit them! Well done for putting up with her nonsense.

  45. If your willing to torpedo your relationship, letting them know that, when the ask, again, when kids will be arriving, let them know, not until they’re dead. Let the yelling begin. Your husband is with you. Let him handle his parents. Enjoy your life

  46. As a fellow Indian and someone who is struggling with the same issue, it’s impossible to communicate anything to them. They don’t understand the concept of boundaries or gender equality. I hope your partner listens to you and supports you. Also, don’t ever even expect them to change. I know it’s extremely frustrating but the best advice I can give is to create distance and make sure your partner is well aware of this and respects this. Don’t expect him to create any boundaries with them because that whole concept is alien to them and don’t even get me started on the emotional manipulation that you guys would face if he tries to create any sort of boundaries.

  47. Another Indian here! I agree! Create as much distance as you can. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  48. Noooope. Nope nope nope. Absolutely, top to bottom, unacceptable behavior from both MIL and FIL. They’re hiding behind the excuse of “culture” to behave badly. No way it’s culturally acceptable to be so rude to your hosts.

  49. You have a few options. You can voice your displeasure. You can voice that you know that she has spoken to her son. Or you can say nothing. Most importantly you are not the cause of the problems between him and her.

  50. I think it’s best to gray rock for now, your husband seems like he’s setting boundaries and handling it as well as possible considering she’s trying her best to emotionally manipulate him. It’s not like she’s going to respect your feelings anyway, so don’t give her the satisfaction of being “disrespectful”, your assuming that she will even hear you out is giving her too much credit already. My MIL is a narcissist and I just act like everything is fine but keep as much distance as possible. It drives her crazy but I don’t give her the chance to be confrontational and it keeps her outbursts to a minimum.

  51. As an Indian, you basically got the typical MIL experience. No joke, this is what most MILs are like - they were treated like trash by their own MIL and perpetuate the behaviour instead of supporting their offsprings' spouse. Not to mention, harassing people about kids is also a standard - is it any wonder our population is exploding when the family is far too concerned with kids and not with how you're going to give these kids a fair upbringing?

  52. I suggest you be honest with her, although not fully honest. "MIL, after the way you treated me during your visit I am no longer comfortable communicating with you. Please direct all your communication to your son." When she responds to you with "How did I treat you badly?" you don't answer. Block her and let your husband deal with his parents. And I also strongly urge you to tell your husband that his parents are no longer welcome to stay in your home.

  53. It may be improving now, but I know that India is notorious for this tradition of mother-in-laws basically tormenting their son's wife. It's often this weird thing of "It was done to me when I was a young wife and now I get to do it to somebody else." And it doesn't usually get better until you have a son of your own. Like I know it's kind of a thing in a lot of cultures, but India seems to take it to another level.

  54. You don't need to respond. That will confuse the boundary you're trying to set. Let your husband talk to her. It will let her know that he has your back.

  55. Obviously you cannot change her so I vote for a text "I don't think you respect me, my values or my position as your son's wife. In the future please communicate directly with your son only. Thanks" Then block her everywhere. You really don't need to deal with her at all. You also could just say "Please communicate directly with your son only. Thanks"

  56. I’m NC with my MIL. There was a lot that led up to that point that’s not really relevant here. When I made the decision to finally end contact with her, I told my husband “your relationship with your mom is independent of your relationship with me. I’m not asking you to stop talking to her, I’m just asking you to respect my decision.” I also told him the first line would be a good one to use in future conversations with his mom when she started in on me. We talk if he brings it up and I try to be sympathetic and not offer any judgment of my own. He knows I think she’s a raging, gaslighting, alcoholic troll. Its why I no longer speak to her in the first place. I also trust that he has my back and won’t let her talk about me at all during their conversations, and that helps me to be more relaxed and take a step back when he does feel the need to vent about her.

  57. You don’t have to let her know anything. Your husband can respond to his mother. Block her. He can let her know that he doesn’t want her harassing his wife or disrespecting you any further. You can just relax and never have them stay with you ever again.

  58. Man. My husband is half Indian (dad Indian, mom white American) and his family back in India has such a chill, "when in Rome..." attitude about their American relatives. They're just like, "It's America! Anything goes over there! ¯\(ツ)/¯" They are delighted for the people that left India and "made it". And they seem bemused by their white cousins and the wacky lives they're living in a faraway land.

  59. That's good to hear! The older generation in my SE Asian family sound similar to OPs, but thank goodness the younger generation of my family has mostly put a stop to that nonsense.

  60. Good on your husband! He’s a keeper! Don’t respond, or be like, why do you ask? Lol.. Let your husband deal with it like he has been. And don’t feel bad that you’ll be separating him from his mom or anything like that because it was never your fault. It’s his mom’s behavior that’s the fault. You are his priority and you are his main family now. If it sours their relationship then it had to be done.

  61. You don't need to reply to her at all. Tell your husband to deal with his family. He can let her know that you found her behaviour unacceptable and that you will not be hosting them or communicating with them any further. He can decide what level of communication he wants with them.

  62. You and I are similar. Pakistani here, but I identify culturally as British. Married a western guy..eventually had to block most of my family.. at least the older generation!

  63. Nah fam. That wasn't culture, that was bullying. And I say this as an Indian who's seen this exact behaviour in my own family. Fuck the culture if even the basic tenet of live and let live is beyond them.

  64. You're right. She should just allow herself to be accused of infidelity, have her clothes hidden from her, and told she isn't spending enough of her money on other grown adults. All while hosting these guests for a month in her own home. That sounds like a super sustainable relationship!

  65. You do if their culture encourages disrespecting you, especially in your own home and after being told to stop. If she is willing to set aside her culture to respect OP while around her, then I don't think she needs to be cut off. But if not, bye bye. You shouldn't grin and bear someone else's shitty behavior. And it's not just culture, it's shitty behavior built on misogynistic values.

  66. Im sorry this is happening to you. As an Indian, i understand how much frustrating it is. We are conditioned to bear this kind of behavior yet it impossible even for us to tolerate sometimes.

  67. Don't attack her actions. Simply say, "Our cultural differences are too great for us to maintain a good relationship. It's best if any communications go through my husband, since he understands both cultures, so please send any further communications to him."

  68. I don't like the idea of tolerating assholes due to "cultural differences." Cultural difference is like: "I'm sorry my mom didn't mean to be rude, the food served was just too different to what she's used to but she did try several things!" Ok, smooth it over. This is unacceptable.

  69. No, she doesn't. I am a woman from the culture she's referencing and this is the exact reason why a) so many young women are desperate to get the fuck out of there, using higher education of study abroad as a hook (as conservative as most families are, education abroad is seen as a valid reason to travel on your own). b) It's the reason a lot of desi girls themselves refuse to date desi boys until they can explicitly demonstrate that they are not the stereotypical mummy's boy.

  70. I really don’t see how being belittled and turned into a servant, mocked, and hounded, not to mention being treated as an untrustworthy Child could be “a matter of cultural perspective” and “excellent”.

  71. Have your dh point out that before you guys agreed to host them they agreed to respect and live by the culture norms of your culture. They have failed to do so and in fact have been incredibly rude house guest in multiple culture. They need to Airbnb for the rest of their stay or move their flights up and stay in a hotel If needed, they have one more night in your home to figure it. And if they ever want to visit you again they will be required to find alternative housing into they can prove they can respect your culture.

  72. I think having your husband handle all communications would be a good start. You are not the reason there is bad blood between them, but know that nothing you say will be received well by her.

  73. Any reply you send will be seen as a personal attack. Unless you are willing to rugsweep their terrible behavior and give them what they want, you should not reply at all. There is no reason to contact them because there is no relationship to save. You simply don't want them in your life

  74. She already knows things aren’t “okay” because your husband (applause!!) told her that her behavior was wrong…I doubt she was happy to hear that from him.

  75. Just dont talk to her. This was culturally ingrained in her since she was an infant and you can’t fix someone who doesn’t see what they do is unacceptable. Im South Asian so I know. Most South Asian parents are the same way. Good luck OP

  76. As a South Asian, too; I second this. Don't talk to her and let your husband handle her. She'll never find her behaviour inappropriate and will always have an explanation as to why she is not wrong, because surprise! She has been fed these things over and over again since she was an infant, literally.

  77. It's funny that they are so obsessed with only the traditional parts that benefit them personally. Bc in the culture, the hosts wouldn't be the ones who would be expected to spend all the money. They would have showered you with gifts and tried to treat you to stuff for letting them stay for a month. Esp a new wife, they should have brought her saris, traditional clothes and gold jewellery if they are so freaking "traditional".

  78. Lol, same w my parents. My dad would cook for her too! And ofc, the amount of delicious chai in her system would be overwhelming lol.

  79. Drop "...for our own sanity." Add "Please communicate only with DH from now on," to "I will not respond..." These are to decrease 'talking' points and increase clarity.

  80. “No MIL, everything is not okay. I have never in my life been so disrespected by guests in my own house. I acknowledge that you come from a different culture, and were I visiting you in your home I would do everything in my power to respect and adhere to the cultural expectations of your home regardless of my personal feelings or disagreements about them because that is the way a respectful guest behaves. But this was not the case. You came into my home, enforced YOUR cultural expectations on me in my home, made accusations of infidelity, were invasive in topics that were absolutely none of your business or concern, dictated how I maintain and act within my home, and had absolutely no gratitude or appreciation for the lengths and efforts I went to accommodate you. I expected there would be cultural differences, but not outright disrespect.

  81. You can be blunt and still be polite. Sugarcoating isn't the same as being nice. When you think about it she was downright awful to you, so why act respectfully to her?

  82. Agreed. She has likely been waiting a long time for her baby boy to marry so she'd have a DIL to order around. You are not giving her that, and she can't stand it.

  83. You should be so proud of how well you handled this situation. You gave people respect when they didn’t do the same for you. Your in laws disregarded all warnings and explanations about you, your culture, your country, and the way you and your husband choose to live. They are the problem. Let your husband list their offenses to them. You have every right to refuse any future interactions with them- and you can be proud that they were treated as guests and given hospitality- they acted like fools. Regardless of where they are from or their culture, they traveled to another country and were guests in your home. They were rigid and stubborn and disrespectful and insulting. Anyone would be wrong for this!

  84. She knows nothing is okay. She is inviting you to rugsweep. Don't. You could mute her and have DH handle his family or you could have the fight since she is Far Far Away now. You could also say something like, "We are very different people with very different beliefs and cultures. You expect me to live my life wholly the way you want and that won't work. Your son chose to marry me, he loves who I am, and neither he nor I want me to change who I am. I will never interfere with his relationship with you. I expect the same from you."

  85. A friend of mine married an Indian dude, they don’t have problems like this. Your in-laws are just bad people.

  86. You might also ask that he add something about his own preference. "your expectations of my wife do not align with who she is as a person or what I want in a wife and partner" or something. That's weirdly phrased, but if OP and her husband use this wording, adding in a little bit of his support for you/your boundaries/your actions might be a good idea.

  87. Four weeks would be unbearable with my in-laws. I wanted to ask if you have been to visit them in India before? Not that I’m suggesting it would be a good idea at this point but I went twice and the second time we visited with friends of friends. I couldn’t believe how we were treated as guests, we were not able to do anything for ourselves; buy entrance tickets to attractions, buy snacks when out, carry a dish to the table at home etc etc. her treating you differently to the rest of the family is unacceptable and there should be a firm boundary about discussing your sex life / choices about kids etc. keep the culture shock (both directions) in mind while navigating these issues.

  88. Your JNMIL will never change her attitude towards you and how she expects you to behave. This is how she was raised and it's ingrained in her. The DIL does all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of the ILs every need. Basically, you're the maid, cook and concierge.

  89. Yes, please tell dh that he needs to let in-laws know now they will not be living with you in old age. Also, let them know you will not be sponsoring their visa to live in Ireland. Especially as they have views that do not align with Irish Culture. Fellow Irish girlie here.

  90. Hopefully they never come back to Ireland (it obviously doesn't agree with them!) but if they do, 100% hotel. They don't come in your house if they don't respect the mistress of the house. Any culture gets that.

  91. Yes, this. Honestly I don’t know why your husband would still want a relationship with his mother after she has treated his wife this way (but you can go read my posts to see that my husband still wants a relationship with his despite the way she’s treated me sooo, been there unfortunately).

  92. Your husband needs to stand up for you A LOT more. He's being way too quiet during this. Set firm boundaries, if you feel disrespected, they go. Sometimes you have to bully a bully right back.

  93. Four weeks?!? You’ve got the patience of Job OP. My ass would’ve ended up on the 6 o’clock news. As far as your in laws are concerned, this is obviously just my opinion but I’d keep my explanation to them short and sweet. You could expend the effort & go into a bunch of details but what would be the point? Their personalities are rooted in cultural beliefs and it’s very unlikely to change. Focus on you, your husband and your lives together. Toxic people regardless of their relationship to you do not deserve space in your life. Protect your mental, spiritual & emotional wellbeing at all costs.

  94. Since she’s at your house I would just tell her the truth. Something like “I love your son more than anything in the world, which is why I have been putting up with your and fil behavior but even my patience has a limit. You are in my house and I will not allow you to disrespect me anymore. I understand where you live and grew up has different customs than here. It’s is extremely disrespectful for you to come into my house and then pretend that you know better than me on how to run my life and continue to try to impose on me what I believe to be antiquated beliefs about woman. I am a human being and I am not worth any less than your son because I was born with a uterus. I understand then where your from women are treated as the lowest of the low and seen just as maids. Those are your beliefs. I’m very sad that that’s the way you see yourself but again those are your beliefs. I am sorry that if your have a daughters you don’t push them to have more ambition with what they with their life but anyways I’m my culture we have equal right so yes I expect my dh and your son to help clean up the place he also lives in. He has been helping out since he met and his testicles haven’t fallen out nor has he broken a nail which means his more than capable to help. Also children wise the way you treat me makes me not want to have children just so they are not related to you and treated as I am. And no I don’t need a babysitter or someone to dress me, I have made it this far in life without one and it’s working out for me. Who and what your son and my dh decide to introduce to or sex life or not is up to us and not any of your concern. So from on if you can’t act like a civilized adult then don’t look or talk me. I am not putting up with yours or fils behavior anymore. If am really such a horrible human being as your making it seem I am then next time you visit please stay anywhere else but here so that I don’t ruin or day not you ruin mine”

  95. Too many words. “You have disrespected me in my home and my country. I don’t wish to put up with this behavior anymore. Please do not contact me again.” Then block them everywhere.

  96. The irony is not lost on me that they were worried about being treated poorly in your home country then proceeded to treat you poorly under the guise of culture. I’m so glad that your husband is on your side.

  97. They sound exhausting. I hope you safeguarded your birth control while they were visiting. She sounds like she’d cross boundaries to get a grandchild.

  98. No matter how you raise your issues with her she will ALWAYS deem it to be disrespectful. You also can't reason with unreasonable people. The only thing you can do is drop the rope and let DH handle his own parents. Also remember that you're NOT the reason for any kind of bad blood between him and his parents. MIL is the one who overstepped boundaries and that is on her. You graciously invited them into your home and they shat on everything you did for them. No more visits in your home! If DH wants to maintain his relationship with them he can do so as long as he respects your boundary of never dealing with them yourself.

  99. The thing i realized in a mixed culture marriage was my in-laws REQUIRED that everyone respect their culture but refused to acknowledge anyone else’s. When I pointed it out to them my father in law said “ what culture?” about mine. They literally could not and would not compromise. So I dropped the rope. I no longer allowed them in my home because they didn’t respect my culture. My then husband had to go to them to visit. It wasn’t my fault and it isn’t yours. This is his parent’s issue. It did eventually lead to our separation and divorce but that had a lot to do with my husband not being able to set boundaries with his family. I think many people want to break away from their traditions and upbringing and then when they do they realize they just don’t have it in them.

  100. First off, hugs. I would send one reply. Thank you for coming to Ireland. I am very upset with how you treated me and your views of Irish Culture. I love my husband and want what’s best for him. If you want the same, I think it’s best that all communications go through DH going forward. Then, I would let all communications go through your husband. That way she can’t misinterpret any communication,or use any of your words for her emotional drama as english isn’t their first language. He can let them know what their behavior was unacceptable and will not be tolerated moving forward. He has lived in Ireland for long enough to know enough about Irish Culture. He needs to stand firm and not bow down to her emotional antics (crying to manipulate). When she starts crying, he needs to say something like “please call me back when your feeling calm and able to talk”. He needs to shut that down. If you feel comfortable at some to point to talk to her again, I would make sure your husband lets them know that they both need to sincerely apologize for their words/actions. I wouldn’t let them stay in your house again. If they visit they can stay in either a hotel or air b and b. Maybe your husband could give them some light reading book titles about the current century we are in. I am so sorry this happened. Sending best wishes.

  101. I think I would simply say that I think we both know things are not OK. I know DH has spoken to you about your visit. It is best that you contact him in future.

  102. My family is still in Asia china specifically, I was born there. Here is the thing about culture, your husband married you knowing you are not Indian and it is not common in western culture to expect these things. Even if it is culture related from the same, you don’t have to do it if couple don’t agrees.

  103. “Everything is not OK. During your visit, you and your husband were rude, disrespectful, and ungracious. I have never before had the misfortune of hosting such ill-mannered guests. You and your husband are never again welcome in my home, and I would prefer that you never contact me again.”

  104. Her son isn't talking to her, so she KNOWS everything isn't okay. I think she's trying to get you to say that it is so that she can tell your DH that you're not upset and he's wrong to have instituted a consequence for her. She's counting on you being too nice to call her out so she can divide and conquer. If she truly cared if you were okay she and FIL wouldn't have behaved the way they did. Personally, I'd have sent them packing early, but what's done is done. Now you know better.

  105. Please make it clear to your husband that his parents are not allowed to stay with you again. Their behavior has been terrible. She has ruined her relationship with you.

  106. Didn't spend enough money on them?! WTH? Entitled much? Don't text her back, go NC just like your husband. She knows darn well something is wrong. Don't take the bait. Just tell her you're being a good wife and supporting your husband with NC as well. 😈

  107. Just as an aside I also have Indian in laws and though there are cultural hurdles they are kind and generous people who have never treated me as anything less in 14 years than the daughter they never had. These people are just horrible people, don’t let them hide behind “culture” to get away from that fact.

  108. I’m not sure how I would communicate that to her. I’m not sure it matters. You could uncover the Most Diplomatic and Loving Way to communicate that you have no interest in a relationship with her due to her behaviours…like seriously, the very nicest way possible, and it wouldn’t matter because how dare you not worship her and throw yourself down at her feet to beg for more abuse?

  109. Keep it very simple, as impersonal and non-accusatory as possible and absolutely do not JADE. Giving reasons is just inviting argument, gaslighting, more insults. Maybe something like:

  110. You problem is misogyny. Although there are a few glorious examples of your MILs internalized misogyny that come from Indian scenarios you cannot talk her out of it. However if you want to have some relationship you and your husband should try to tackle that part. Right now your way of life is probably dismissing her entire life. I'm not defending her, she's in the wrong. But that's how she was bought up and has lived all her life. Probably even your husband has taken adavntage of the fact. If you want to her around using Ireland/Irish as an example is not going to get you anywhere because it is "foreign" and she has nothing to do with foreign. It might be helpful if your husband can find more examples of equality within his family,culture and country. She will relate to them more and will probably try to see the changed world around her. This is no defense of MIL and you having no contact with her is as valid. This is just my suggestion as an indian woman

  111. "your actions are unforgivable and I don't wish to continue our relationship any further." Block. And next time she comes to Ireland, she can stay at one of the many lovely B&B's your country offers.

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