AITA for demanding my fiancée stop teaching our kids bad manners?

  1. YTA - I’m guessing “Lola” is of Latin American descent? It’s very common in that culture to use a tortilla as the utensil just as it is in many other cultures to use bread or something as a utensil.

  2. YTA. I really want to give him the benefit of doubt and think that he is just ignorant to other cultures and the comment about “bad manners” is not coming from a place of racism. But I have read some of his comments and it looks like it’s a bit of both.

  3. It's insane tbh. Firstly this ^ but then the kids are 2 years old man! What they hell do you want? You want them to do restaurant folded napkins, get no food on their hands and face and say excuse me I have to use the washroom before they fill their diapers? Yes, YTA big time.

  4. Wait so OP is telling us that the whole time he’s known his fiancée, he’s never seen her eat with her hands….?

  5. Not to mention the totally absent parenting. Even if you're busy at work, you've never had one sit down dinner with them? You've never shared even one meal with them to know how your own children are eating? There's nothing wrong with it, but it being a surprise means that he's probably been fairly absent. If he's willing to be ignorant of other cultures, I wouldn't put misogyny past him if he had a "kids are her thing, not mine" attitude with parenting.

  6. Yes! I am a Mexican women! From as long as I can remember we always used tortillas! Of course there are foods meant for utensils but a lot of dishes I ate growing up tortillas were the way to eat them.

  7. Not to mention there are tons of other cultures that eat foods we would normally eat with utensils, with their hands.

  8. Exactly. OP just basically called his wife's whole culture "gross" (despite them washing their hands first, so it's perfectly clean) beacuse it's now how he's used to it looking. I couldn't be rolling my eyes any harder.

  9. I a 66f eat that way at my friend's house and they are Indian. I bet Lola's food is good too. Lucky kids. YTA

  10. YTA and also, how have you not seen her eat like this your whole relationship? Doesn't she get to express her culture through food in your home? You haven't eaten with her family? Does she feel judged by you in other ways?

  11. I know you mean well but there is no "Latin American culture". In some Latin American cultures, however, it is indeed common to use bread or other such foods as utensils for eating.

  12. My son in-law is from Guatemala and he's always using tortillas to pick up his food on most things he eats. He uses a fork or spoon too at times but mostly it's tortillas. Also at work there is a Spanish lady who will do these amazing lunch platters and sell them. She always has tortillas inside for us to use. And oh trust me I do. Delicious

  13. This. I'm latin and I also eat like this, and have my whole life. I know when to use silverware and when to eat with a tortilla. I do not have "bad manners" for eating with a tortilla. What you said is racist and i dont think you are ready to be with a latin woman.

  14. yeah, I didn't know about Latin American cultures. But I've been to Ethiopian restaurants where this is what you do.

  15. This! I recently spent 2 weeks in Morocco where everything is eaten with bread as a utensil. I fully emersed myself in the culture. Though I was given a fork because I'm American, but only used it for the salad because you know...lettuce, onions, tomato+bread = sandwich not salad.

  16. This! I recently spent 2 weeks in Morocco where everything is eaten with bread as a utensil. I fully emersed myself in the culture. Though I was given a fork because I'm American, but only used it for the salad because you know...lettuce, onions, tomato+bread = sandwich not salad.

  17. Indians eat that way too. I learned how to do it so I could be polite around my husband's family. Maybe the OP has poor table etiquette.

  18. For real. There are THOUSANDS of cultures that eat food with their hands. Example, some african cultures use Fufu almost as a utensil to eat their meals with.

  19. Exactly. I didn’t even have to read the whole thing before coming to the conclusion it was a cultural thing.

  20. Well they eat with their hands in white cultures too. In fact the Earl of Sandwich columbused the idea of using bread to separate hands from meaty content and was so lauded for it that they named half the foods in the world after his culinary contribution.

  21. I am kinda sad that you have kids, yet you know so little about them and about how they develop. Any parents with the most basic interest knows how to feed children.

  22. also this isn’t even to mention that I’m like 99% sure but the details in the post that Lola is Latina, meaning this is cultural for her

  23. This is really one of the More stupid family arguments to me. Let the kids eat their breakfast as they please as long as they don't throw around the food, they wearent eating oatmeal with their hands. They know how to eat everything else with spoon, fork etc. And teach them if you do go out to eat, it's most likely going to be with a fork depending on the restaurant and what they serve. Done deal everyone has peace.

  24. Right! Op YTA. I was thinking the same thing. Like by reading the title I figured they were older but they’re literal toddlers. I always gave my daughter utensils but she didn’t always use them, which she was a little behind on her hand eye coordination anyway because she needed glasses and I didn’t know till her eyes started crossing, but I digress.

  25. I was already thinking he was being shitty bc of this, who teaches a 2 yr old table manners??? But then I seen she was giving them tortilla and i was like ohh she IS teaching them manners, just not white-people manners. I see. So he's racist. (my parents are also a mixed marriage and I am always surprised at how many men will marry women of other cultures and still be racist towards them and their kids! My dad is great, learned Spanish and moved to Mexico as well! I never knew how lucky I was growing up!!)

  26. I have seen my two year old wielding a fork. I honestly prefer him using his hands most of the time.

  27. My kid is 2 and he holds the fork with one hand and shovels food directly into his mouth with the other hand. I guess I need to go give him a lecture about table manners. /s

  28. YTA. This is how two year old's eat and you don't need a fork for a tortilla. And using a flat bread to scoop up food is de rigueur in almost every culture except north western european culture, which makes you a racist asshole too.

  29. As a northwestern european, I think I may have missed that memo. I shamelessly push food onto my toasted bread or flatbread.

  30. Idk, I'm from north western Europe and there's plenty we eat with our hands. If you start eating tortillas with utensils here you'd be weird too. It's just OP.

  31. I can’t believe they’re almost three and he just noticed this now. Does he work 100+ hours a week? How does he not know? Has he even in the Arctic? The military? Amnesia? I’ve got a 2 year old just like he does and I’m trying to fathom how either his dad or I would not know these things about our child that we live with and raise every day.

  32. I'm wondering if he wants them to use a fork for a tortilla or if he's just being that particular that he wants them to use a fork/spoon to scoop things into the tortilla before eating it. If they're not struggling what's the point, it's just cutting out the middle man.

  33. Your second point is what shocked me. They’re 2.5 years old and you’re just noticing how they usually eat? So she’s fed them every meal and you’re just now inserting your opinion? Sir, sit down. YTA

  34. I would weep tears of joy if my toddler used bread as a utensil. This morning he ate his yogurt with his hands, then gave up and drank the bowl. OP, is hugely TA. I handle most of the meals/feeding but my husband still knows how/ what/ when to feed the monster.

  35. Seriously, when I started reading this I figured OP was annoyed she was having them eat something like oatmeal with their hands. He’s upset that they’re eating scrambled eggs with a tortilla?? Wtf?

  36. I’m from a culture that eats with their hands, idk what it is, but i feel like it makes the food taste better.

  37. YTA. Your casual racism toward your wife is going to affect your kids. It is patently NOT bad manners to eat in this way. I would argue it is its own skill. In addition to the fact that no one expects little kids to eat with utensils, your attitude and apparent disgust with a cultural norm that is part of your wife's (and now your children's) upbringing is so far beyond problematic. If you love your wife, it's time to start appreciating her culture and stop acting like it's a sin to eat with "bare hands."

  38. So many other cultures also don't use knives and forks. Imagine just deciding they are all rude and that they have terrible mothers.

  39. YTA. What a way to announce to the whole world that you haven’t spent a day raising your own children and left your fiancée to do the whole thing with twins for the past 2.5 years! Damn… I hope she doesn’t marry you! There’s literally no need, she’s already a single mom.

  40. Either the opinion of the three people that agree with him is more important than everyone else, because obviously they're not brutes like us and know good table manners. Or maybe the mixed reaction he's to is the confusion whether the OP is racist or not. Oh wait, even that isn't mixed. Oh yeah the part where people are saying they should also know how to use utensils. Which you know they know how to do.

  41. YTA. Next time you disagree about how she is raising the kids don't discuss it in front of them and then "correct" the behavior to your expectations. She's not a maid, she's their mother and primary caregiver and you should treat her with more respect. This behavior is common in many cultures and to call it bad manners is ignorance on your part.

  42. yeah how the fuck are you with someone for FIVE years, have kids together, and you don't know the most basic things about their culture - stuff that's happening and present in your house on a daily basis? like how is this even fucking possible??

  43. I was in my 20s the first time I was introduced to eating using tortillas. They were homemade and my mouth is literally watering with memory. Every meal should be eaten with fresh tortillas!!

  44. YTA and you're being a little racist as well, check your american attitude an realize their are cultures that eat with their hands as well as the fact your children are toddlers and can't even grasp a fork yet.

  45. I’m shocked because it’s like a « light racism » that no one seems to take it seriously like what the hell does that mean bad manners when it’s other’s culture things. What the hell she deserve better than someone who think her culture is bad manners

  46. It takes fine motor skills and eye-hand coordination to effectively tear bread, scoop adequate food, then get to your mouth. I’d argue it’s even better development overall of the skill you’re trying to give OP benefit of the doubt for.

  47. YTA. Your shocked your 2.5 year olds were eating with their hands ?.. I don’t even have kids and know that it’s not abnormal to see a toddler not use utensils

  48. YTA first of all they're literally toddlers, who have shit fine motor control. Knives and forks will come with time, no need to push so early when they're learning to explore food.

  49. YTA for not understanding that not all cultures use cutlery all the time. Sometimes not at all. Later on, they can learn manners for eating things that absolutely need cutlery, but what you described is basically an unrolled burrito.

  50. YTA, you were being offensive, and eating like that isn’t bad manners, it’s just different from what you’re used to. A lot of cultures have similar practices- Ethiopian food comes to mind.

  51. YTA. First, all kids that age (and older! Mine is 3.5!) eat with their hands still while also learning to use utensils. Second, many adults do this in other cultures as well. There is not a thing in the world wrong with it. This is just being myopic and controlling.

  52. YTA they are literally toddlers- worry about good table manners in a couple of years, they're still getting used to feeding themselves. Your wife's method is good for developing fine motor skills too.

  53. YTA I have never eaten a curry with a spoon I only use a naan or chapati. I’m a white British person and have learnt that in some cultures eating with a traditional utensil is actually bad manners and it is only really western cultures that believe otherwise. And I have taught my children that in different cultures meals are eaten with hands and not forks. Plus at the age of 2.5 years most children still eat food with their hands and it is beneficial to the development of their fine motor skills which will help them as they grow up.

  54. YTA. My dad was from Mexico, and ate the majority of his food by scooping it with bits of tortilla. It was how he was raised, and while I never adopted it I never looked down on it either. His table manners were just fine.

  55. YTA. As many have mentioned here already, cultures everywhere have eaten like this forever. Literally nothing wrong with it and she ensures their hands are washed. What do you think people ate with before utensils were created?

  56. YTA. First off, she’s Mexican. It’s a cultural thing done in Mexico and other countries to eat certain foods using tortillas or grabbing with “bare hands”. And you act like you’ve never heard of/considered this. Second, don’t start talking to her in front of the kids about what you deem wrong. That’s rude.

  57. Where do you see anything mixed about the judgements here? Besides a couple of people asking for more info, every other response I've seen is YTA, and with good reason, because you are.

  58. I was almost on your side in thinking the kids are old enough to use utensils and can learn how to use them. Then your edit said they can use them but choose not to for whatever reason.

  59. Does Lola show up to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth? If you haven’t eaten a meal with your children in 2 years it sounds like this is Lola’s job. Are your children nourished and healthy? You know large parts of the world don’t use forks, right? She’s doing her job right. YTA

  60. YTA: your fiancé is giving them cultural experience from her culture in the morning from her culture! The only time she has alone with them. Does she also speak Spanish with them or is that forbidden as well? Giving y’all’s children bits and pieces of her culture should be a automatic thing! You should be encouraging her to do not fussing about it!!! I would be upset as well if I was her! Teach them children Spanish as well! Bilingual children learn faster in school it is a proven fact!!!

  61. Yta. If I have tortillas I eat exactly like that. And to call it bad manners is just rude. You admit with certain foods you agree with it's okay and that really makes you AH here.

  62. YTA in a lot of culture and ethnies people don’t eat with ustensil. It’s not because it’s not your culture that it means it’s bad manners. Not wanting I follow others culture is a thing and you will not be an asshole for it. But calling others culture bad manners is really a big asshole move. I will just last with a levi-strauss quote that I hope will help you « The barbarian is, first and foremost, the man who believes in barbarism »

  63. YTA. So, many, many people from LA countries use the tortilla as a scoop in lieu of a spoon. My husband is from Guatemala, uses a tortilla like this, as a well mannered adult. Have you ever been to an Ethiopian restaurant? I mean, if you're in a culturally mixed relationship, you need to educate yourself about your partner's customs, b/c I guarantee you either she or her parents had to learn a bunch of stuff about your culture and make changes when they came.

  64. Dude, the tortilla thing? Have you seen how indians eat roti subzi?? Not at all weird. Wash your hands before a meal and you're all set. Just because it doesn't fit in your culture / worldview doesn't mean it's bad manners. YTA. Big time

  65. YTA. As an adult, the only reason I often don’t eat with my hands is because the food is too messy, my hands aren’t that clean, or because a food needs to be cut/sliced/mashed. All things kids don’t care about.

  66. YTA. I was ready to read about food fights and toddlers throwing food everywhere, but eating tortilla with hands? My daughter has been using utensils since she was 2, but some foods can be eaten with hands, and she's always known the difference. If your kids can use utensils then I don't know what your concern is.

  67. YTA for multiple reasons that many people have mentioned here. I’d also like to add that your children are 2.5 years old and you’ve just now noticed how they eat breakfast. Also, you’re only there for one week of mornings due to your vacation and are insisting on changing their whole routine. You don’t have a leg to stand on given that you have pushed all of that responsibility for breakfast for 2.5 years on to someone else. I’d tell you eff off too.

  68. I'm going with a gentle YTA. There is clearly a cultural difference. I think you need to be more open minded about cultural differences, and realize that people aren't gross or lacking in manners because of those differences. You admit the kids can use utensils I am guessing they have been raised with manners.

  69. YTA why is this such a big deal? Your kids can use utensils and do some when it’s needed. They are 2.5 so it’s pretty age appropriate to be doing both.

  70. YTA. Tortillas are the utensils. They’re used to scoop and hold other food items and can also be eaten.

  71. YTA Theyre still babys and its perfectly normal for people to eat foods with their hands. Are you telling me that eating chicken wings with hour hands is "bad table manners"??

  72. YTA: Cultures all over the world where hands are not considered bad table manners. Kids that age are still developing some dexterity and the fact that they are eating healthy foods and seem happy about it should be taken as a win.

  73. INFO: Just doing the math here, but aren't these also Lola's kids? So really the problem is that you don't approve of eating with a tortilla, which is common practice in many places?

  74. YTA. That is not bad table manners. They are toddlers and also the food was torilla, for crying out loud. Hell. I’m from finland, and I would never use utensils to eat a tortilla 😅

  75. YTA. Mother of twins here, 2.5 you aren't going to teach them table manners or really how to use utensils. Also sounds like you are being incredibly insensitive by referring to someone doing something differently from you as 'bad manners'. Bad manners is sitting and eating soup with your fingers or something, not just doing something in a way you weren't accustomed to.

  76. YTA you do realize there are other cultures correct? Latin Americans do this with tortillas I also know in Indian culture they use roti/naan in place of a tortilla as well as ethiopians use a type of flatbread ect. You're being very closed minded

  77. YTA. She wasn't feeding them food that you're supposed to eat with utensils. You can eat wings with utensils but most people don't. You can eat a burrito with utensils but most people don't.

  78. Soft YTA, their 2.5, not 12! Their still toddlers, get over it man. Many countries eat this way, even as adults, u know that right?!?! Does ur fiancé use utensils? I'm assuming she does or else u would have never dated, much less have kids w her. If she ate this way as a toddler, but now is capable of using utensils then I think ur kids will be ok, they won't go "caveman" at 20, and embarrass u. If this is ur hill you die on, u might as well not even get married as it won't last long, w ur control issues.

  79. OP, is your comment about the replies being mixed a joke? Literally everyone on here is telling you that YTA, quit being in denial and do better.

  80. YTA plenty of cultures eat tortillas by hand the way you described, do they all have bad manners? No. Get your eurocentric head out of your ass and open your mind!

  81. OMG YTA!! This is a cultural thing and by acting like this you are telling your wife “your culture is fine as long as you leave it at the door and never let our children be part of it.” Go to therapy! Get over your issue! Maybe, I don’t know, join them and be a part of the family instead of an asshole!

  82. YTA, you clearly show that you have a problem with your girlfriend living her culture (being annoyed that she speaks her native language, are you crazy?). And there's no reason to eat dry tortillas with a knife and fork.

  83. YTA. The second you said that she was eating with a tortilla I knew she was Latina. How do you marry someone and have kids with them do you not know anything about their culture?

  84. YTA. Are you… okay? Like genuinely? You’ve never seen someone put food on a tortilla and eat it? I guarantee this also makes cleanup just a bit easier for her. They’re not literally grabbing fistfuls of beans or something—they’re scooping food into tortillas. You know. Like many adults do.

  85. You mean Lola is preparing 3 meals a day of real food? Kids aren’t just eating cold cereal for breakfast? Dude, you and your kids are lucky to have her. Open your eyes and appreciate the woman in front of you.

  86. YTA, SOOOOO many cultures use tortillas, other types of breads, etc to pick up food and eat rather than using utensils. Hell in some of those cultures using utensils is the bad table manners. 🫠

  87. YTA, for your information tortilla is a food and a spoon at the same time. Not only that, one can fold it to make a taco, wrap it, use it as in a sandwich etc.etc. of course, someone who has lived in his own world thinks that this is gross. If you're going to marry someone from another culture, it shouldn't be a bad idea to learn, at least, a little bit about that culture AH.

  88. I’m from a culture that uses hands (traditional way of eating) and bc we got colonized we also use utensils. She’s not wrong, if they’re washing their hands before eating there’s not an issue when it comes to eating with their hands. And there are lots of cultures (and not just mine) that use tortilla or other breads as a plate / vessel for food.

  89. YTA and please never visit a country where they eat w their hands because you'd make yourself look bad going around calling people dirty

  90. YTA. if you haven't been aware that this was happening, it means your children know how to use utensils, and know that this is something they do with Mom at lunch.

  91. YTA. The casual racism isn’t cute first off; and almost every three year old from ANYWHERE eats with their hands. You said yourself they can use utensils, and Lola is correct when she said that not all foods require them. Also, your kids are three and you’ve NEVER noticed this? I get that you work early but Jesus Christ try being a parent

  92. I was like wait a second, am I wrong for dipping my tenders in gravy or mashed potatoes!!!? YTA because it’s food..? Who cares if you eat how you want at home… NOW if they were grabbing baguettes at a store and sword fighting one another then yea/ but they’re just eating lol

  93. YTA and your responses don’t help either. As a POC and married to a white man he respects me and my culture. He knows the do’s and dont’s because he took the time to ask questions and learn. We respect each other and we make sure our son knows who he is and BOTH of his cultures. Its honestly heartbreaking because your responses OP Ignore the point everyone is making and all you can say is she looks white as if that makes it ok to dismiss who she is. If you wanted to marry a white woman with the same culture as yours, you should have thought about that before you got children involved. You disrespect your fiancé, you’re disrespecting your kids and also allowing others to disrespect them. I really hope you learn from this because if you don’t not only will your fiancé resent you but so will your kids.

  94. YTA you have got to be a troll. There are dozens of people explaining very clearly that eating their food with a tortilla does not mean your children are unhygienic or have bad table manners. And your refusal to listen to this feedback on top of your arguing about your wife being a POC is reading as some shade of racism.

  95. YTA. I read through this thinking they were young children. They’re toddlers. They’re just learning how to eat. Maybe if you spent more time with them or helped your wife you would know that.

  96. YTA. Your comments are coming across as very ignorant. As she is Latin American, she uses a tortilla to pick up her food. I would use a roti to pick up certain foods, as I'm Pakistani. Please take this moment as a learning experience instead of doubling down.

  97. YTA you’re being culturally insensitive/perhaps even unintentionally racist. Maybe you didn’t know, but now you do. Calling her disgusting is massively not okay and you owe her an apology.

  98. Pizza, burgers, tacos, burritos, kebabs, sandwich, water melon, apples, chicken tenders, bread sticks, onion rings, chicken legs, and more are all eaten by hand.

  99. Yta, as a hispanic woman, i eat with tortillas all the time when i lived with my grandparents. It was rare that we used actual forks or spoons. Different cultures use their hands too. I see it all the time in tiktok and shows.

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